3/23/05
Today is Wednesday. I have school in an hour, and work almost immediatly following. And right now I’m eating a bowl of cereal without milk, because the milk’s in a cup next to me and I drink it when I take a bite instead because I jus can’t stand soggy cereal, my hair’s in hot curlers, and I’m wearing a robe . I’m so old-school. Well, with the curlers and all. I still don’t do coffee, so meh.
Things have kinda settled down a lil. Right now. So that doesn’t mean much. I picked up my graduation announcements yesterday. This is it, I’m a friggen big kid now. I filled out my first credit card application yesterday. I just can’t believe it. I just… don’t want to admit it. Everyone else is so excited to graduate and I can’t help but be almost regretful, before it even happens. I want to be a ‘grown up,’ just right now and not yet. I’ve finally started coming into my own this year, and because of it I’ve missed out on so many things normal highschoolers do. It really sucks that I had to spend freshman and sophmore years battling over custody and therapy and all things legal because my mom’s too much of a lush to give a shit about her kids. It sucks that I’m 18, caring for my younger siblings almost like I’m a mother, and we’re getting ready to go through it all over again.
Except this time my mom’s house is most likely in foreclosure today, and at least one credit card has 20,000 + debt in it, and I’m making a comparable income to hers as an 18 year old. (I got a phonecall on our old line from a credit card companie’s lawyer who said something along those lines.) My mother, with how many degrees in teaching math, science, and now special ed, gets paid bi-weekly now too. Lemme tell ya, it must suck to know that you’re 27 years older then you’re daughter and she’s better off at her measly mall job then you are. Then again, when you’re a heinous bitch and get fired from every school district, detention center, and ‘rehab’ kinda place in that state, you sorta deserve what you get. I don’t think all of it’s circumstancial. I think it’s her. Well, I know it is, i grew up with the bitch, but now people who didn’t get to see it too.
So back to those people. I have to send my graduation announcements out in the following weeks. Do you know how sad it is to not have any family on an entire side to send it to? My grandmother has constantly refered to how terrible I am since they divorced. When my sister told her I was at youthgroup while they were wasting time on a wednesday night, she snickered. Too bad her daughter fucks dogs. I’m not that bad one in this situation, and it’s taken me more then 4 years to finally realize that. That’s really fucking sad. I spent 4 entire years of my life growing up the constant object of ridicule of a huge group of holier-then-thou people. I spent four years worrying about whether or not I would be accepted by my family. If a family doesn’t accept you, in most cases they aren’t family. They aren’t my family. My family is a Dad who’s having a really hard time right now and no one can see it, a 14 year old sister who’s closest thing to a mother is me, and it’s sad, and an 11 year old boy who’s ushered between a house where dad lets him be invincible and mom’s house where they simply don’t care and there’s always an internet-met freak around. Remember Lilo and Stitch? “Ohana means family… it’s small, and broken, but it’s mine” Something along those lines, at the end, when Stitch wants to stay on Earth. It’s true, my family consists of 4 members, that’s it. But it ain’t bad, and we’ll all do fine.
I just don’t want to grow up. I really hate it. I hate that higschool for everyone else was all these fun and exciting times, and for me it was working my ass off to not het results until the end of senior year. It was trying so hard and never making the cut-off for any scholarship that’d take me where I wanted. Next year people in my classes will drive off to Harvard, Boulder, Chicago, just everywhere, and I’ll be in my house, driving to the local community college, really hopeing that next year I’ll be able to just live the life of a normal college student. Just a year. Only one. In a dorm, or an appt. With a roomie. And no family strife, at least insanely close to me. And cafeteria food. And staying up until 5 taking shots with people from my floor. Or something. I just wanna live that normal life, for a lil bit.
God, I just cried. I really hope that I’m proud of myself on graduation day. Really hope. I just want to be happy with what I’ve done, and I don’t think I am. People say I’m so strong for how I dealt with the whole ordeal, but if I was strong I’d be living the normal teenage things right now. That’s what sucks, I’m not. If i was strong I wouldn’ve dealt with it well enough to make the most and be normal all through those years. I just got by, and I don’t want to do that anymore.
So here goes nothin. I’ve gotta get rid of the curlers, and head to school, where I’ve done my homework for once, and maybe just maybe am prepared for the day. See ya round
Here goes nothin.