Sooooooooo Tired

When will I get my life back ??? I am so tired of this process.  I am tired of hearing … “you caused it all” … “Its all your fault” 

My life is not mine anymore. It hasnt been since June 11, 1983.  I “just exsisted” for 21 years.  I devoted my life to my children … I gave them all  of me.  It was for them that I remained in that  exsistance.  I fear that my life will never be mine again ever.

I feel so much hurt … its hard to tolerate it all.  I dont understand what importance I have here. My family are all so hurtful.  I am an after thought … if even that.

Mom, I miss you so much … you left me all alone … I wish I could just feel you again. I’m doing the best that I can but I dont think its enough. Maybe I should have just listened to you.  What is one insignificant life to those of many.

I feel so lost … so alone … so helpless … so tired … so insignificant … I do feel like an island … a lost desolate island …

The only light I saw in the distance when I could focus was Erik …

He is my heart … he is my soul mate … he is who I have always loved … he found me and put the spark back into my heart… stronger than I have EVER felt.  When I smile its for him. 

The light is flickering very dim and I am losing sight of him.  I am greatful for the love I never had that I found for a short moment. I know now how it feels to truely love someone and be loved in return. I will hold on to that forever. 

I will continue my exsistance doing what is expected of me … for them … to put the smiles on their faces.  Maybe someday it will be my turn maybe not but I guess that doesnt matter anymore… I will always be alone