Needing to vent a lil……..

I’m tired of lying, I’m tired of trying, I know I’ve been smiling, but inside I’m dying… Hmm I can’t remember where I read this phrase before, but right now it’s how I feel. I have a tendency to put on this mask of being happy and all fine and dandy when really I’m not. I usually am cynical and depressed and I don’t really want to be, but that’s just the way I am for some reason. Lately it’s been a lot worse though and work isn’t helping any. I don’t mind my job so much, but there’s this one person that gets on my nerves a lot and makes me feel stupid and useless and she makes me feel bad about myself all the time as if I didn’t already have a bad self-esteem already. I don’t know why, but everytime things start to seem to get a little bit better and I start to be slightly happy something always happens to ruin it. Sometimes I just want to shoot myself or curl up in a corner and die or something. I know things can always be worse and there are people who are worse off than I am, but I don’t really know how to be happy or optimistic. Life just always seems to suck for me for some reason. I try to look at the bright side of things, I really do, but it’s really hard for me to. Especially when the people I have to be around make it really hard for me. Even my own family gives me crap a lot and puts me down and makes me feel bad about myself.  I just feel like I don’t really have any true friends or anyone I can talk to and I don’t feel like I belong or fit in anywhere either. And lately I like cry a lot and I don’t know why. I can’t help it. I just feel so shitty and crappy and hurt I guess. And I guess I’ll be done for venting now. At least on here. I’ll probably go write a crappy poem now or something. So if anyone actually reads this, thanks for listening or reading I guess.