Battling Myself

It’s like a continuous battle of Good Vs. Evil inside me every day.  Even though what I’m calling "Evil" truely isn’t at all…it’s the way it feels when I have the selfish thoughts that I have about leaving my current situation and trying something different.  "Good" means trying very hard to make it work between the man and I…it means to me, trying to be a better person so he can see in me someone he wants as his wife.  But I don’t really know if I want to have to change myself so that I can become who someone else wants me to be….but what I keep wondering, is if that person is who I truly should be working towards being, or if it is someone who I am forcing myself to work towards…..I just don’t know.  I can’t make the important decisions that mean so much in my life..

He’s such a good man…maybe, too good for me.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been sabatoging myself for all these years with him…because I know in his and my eyes…I’m not what he wants…

He loves me dearly…but something strong and powerful is holding us back….almost pulling us away from each other.

Merry Goddamned Christmas…