High School Years-Chap.3 – The Shell Cracks
In 10th grade there were signs that I was breaking free of my shyness. Alan was in my Biology class and the first day of school we thought it would be great to do our homework together. I figured it would be of benefit to me as he was obviously intelligent in Science as he was taking Biology a year sooner than all of his other classmates. We did it for that first day and never again. Instead, everyday, we just played street hockey after school. Because we were in Science together, it meant we were also in Science Lab every other day as well. On the opposite days we were in Gym. That Gym class also had Alan’s older brother and my older brother.
My older brother was very athletic, and that gave me an inferiority complex. Because I knew I wasn’t better than him, I had no self confidence that I was any good and didn’t really try. The first day of gym we had to choose between boys, girls or a co-ed gym class. I’d have been more than happy with co-Ed gym, but with my brother there and my competitiveness with him I had to choose Boys. It wasn’t so bad, and I did improve. What really gave me clout was when we played hockey in gym. My brother was a captain and picked me early. I was better than most of his grade and we dominated. It earned respect. And I got some well needed self esteem.
When some of the girls in my grade asked me to help build our "float" for the homecoming parade, I agreed. I went most of the week and everybody was really nice. These were people I hardly spoke to in class, but they seemed really appreciative to have me there. I started making new friends that year.
At lunch I sat with my friend George and his "Metal Head" friends. In school their click was referred to as the "dirt bags" or "burn outs" but they were just pre-Goth (Wore Denim jackets instead of black).
Over the course of this year, George and I became really close friends. Denver had brought him over to my house the year or so before and he had joined us in my basement for our geeky D & D games. George wore a denim “Motley Crue” jacket and band t-shirts. I think he was a smoker at the time. Always funny, very sarcastic and quick with the one liners.
One of the people who sat at the table was an older girl named Kim. She was a grade older than me and two older than a lot of the kids at the table. There was a rumor that went around school that she was a slut or had done something slutty or something to that affect. I didn’t hear the story or even want to know. I liked her because she was a really nice girl and one of the first girls at school that I felt comfortable talking with. She didn’t make me feel nervous and to me, that was amazing. At one point during the year, we were telling "dirty jokes" at the table and I just soaked it all up. She was using the words Penis and Pussy and cursing like a sailor and I was just blown away by it all. Up until this point, getting acceptance in a group was to join in on the teasing of somebody else. You know, the natural "pecking order," and unfortunately, I was part of that. In some groups I was picked on, because of my size, or my overbite, or my naiveté. In this group, I joined in on teasing a kid at the table that I feel really guilty about now. He had been in my grade but got left back in 6th grade. Everybody picked on him because he wasn’t smart, he was overweight, his mom was a single-mother so they didn’t have a lot of money (which, back then was a rarity) Generally, he was an easy target. But Sensing that Kim had been a victim of that in her own grade and it obviously made her uncomfortable, I stopped. My attitude of self preservation had shifted. I still didn’t want to do anything to lower my social stature in school, but I wasn’t going to bring another’s down to preserve it.