I can’t believe I told you I can live without you

***REALLY LONG ENTRY DEDICATED TO EX BOYFRIEND. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.***

We talked for the first time in a long time last night…uh, this morning actually. I have to admit, it was really strange for me. But you acted like nothing was wierd. That is until we started talking about each other. I really didn’t mean to be such a b!tch, but it was almost like I couldn’t help it. You seem to hold yourself as if nothing can or ever will hurt you. But for me, my heart is on my sleeve when it comes to you; so I just had to tell you how I felt. I feel like it wasn’t very nice…

For the first time ever I told you maybe it would be better for my sanity to just stay away from you completely. Boy your reaction to that was sooo predictable! You laughed like you always did when you made fun of me. Like it was the greatest thing on the planet. It was refreshing for me to see that somewhere we were still friends, somewhere we still knew each other. Well, you still knew me. Or perhaps I’m just predictable? For you, I bet it has nothing to do with you "knowing" me, you just remember what I’m like. Yeah…let’s go for that. 

And I HATED it when you started pointing out that I was nervous. Why, what was the point of that? Of course I’d be nervous talking to you again! For crying out loud I was going to ask you how you felt about me and your best friend potentially hooking up!! Among other things of course, but I had the decency to ask you how you felt. Last time we had that conversation you practically blew up in your own way and there wasn’t even anything going on with us! Ha. And I just figured, since now that Ivan seems to be really…really into me, that the conversation we had would be more relevant this time around. 

But I still can’t believe I told you that I could live without you. That in no way did I want you back. That you didn’t have to feel like by talking to me you were causing me problems. Can’t believe I actually said I didn’t miss us. But wow, your silence was deafening. And how you tried to cover it up by pretending something on t.v was hilarious. Did you honestly believe I wouldn’t notice your genuine laugh from your uncomfortable laugh? I know what I said bothered you and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you "wow, you mean superman actually has a heart?" I know that pissed you off because of your response… In some ways, when I say things like that, I feel like I am responsible for your hard attitude now. I think it’s gotten worse.  

I can’t believe I told you everything I said. Mostly I can’t believe how you handled it. I mean, come on Michael. Falling asleep just to avoid talking about it? You weren’t even asleep! I know you weren’t because of all the nights we did talk and we ended up falling asleep, I woke up a bit later with your breath in my ear and hung up! Hahaha, those were some interesting days…Those were the days when I could talk to you about anything.

Like I told you, now it’s awkward to even stand by you. I can’t help but for my body to fall into old habits and want to be close to you. That doesn’t mean I want you back because that would be stupid, all you ever did to me was hurt me and confuse me. And how the hell could you say you knew what was best for me?! That you weren’t going to tell me whatever that was (after my whole speel about not needing you anymore but wanting you as a friend) because you didn’t think I was ready? That’s sh!t my friend, pure sh!t. I know what’s good for me and only a real friend could know that. 

God, I want to forget we ever happened. More than anything I want to just forget that. I need to because I don’t wanna live without you, you mean so much to me. And again, not because I want you back, I just really need someone to talk to about the transition coming, no already here, in my life. But I guess it’s time for me to let go of you entirely.