I guess I’m still not ready

No matter how hard I try, I guess I’m still not ready.

No matter how much I try and lie to myself, I’m not finished with you. And you know what really sucks? You have a girlfriend, you’ve replaced me. You’re really done with me this time and I guess I’m just not ready to let you go like this. Somewhere inside me I just kept thinking you were coming back. I just kept hoping that you would realize you still love me, that you never stopped and you just needed time. Time to get yourself together. But god it’s killing me all over again! I don’t wanna break down over you again. I’m not ready. Please don’t. Please don’t leave me like this. I love you, I’m crazy about you. Do you not remember when I told you that you would never find someone who would care about you the way I did? That’s still true. She doesn’t love you like I do! I know she doesn’t and you know she doesn’t and everyone around y’all knows it isn’t love. what is it? Are you sleeping with her? Does she remind you of me? I’ve been told that she looks like me. And from what your friends tell me about her, she’s got characteristics similar to me.

Just tell me what I did to push you away from me. Was I clingy? Did I show too much affection? Did I care too much? Tell me why you don’t want me anymore?

My sister, my aunt, my cousin, they all tell me you still want me when you see me. When they saw you around me, they said it was clear. How can you not see it?

My biggest problem is I don’t understand what went wrong. If you hate me, I don’t know. You would never tell me.

And what’s this sh!t with Ivan? You told him you’re okay with us dating? What happened to you almost crying on the phone when the topic of he and I being together first came up? Where did that guy go?

You know, part of me feels like I’m just blowing steam. Like this little rant is only happening because I don’t have you at all. You won’t even talk to me. I try and I try to at least hold your attention for five minutes and you give me nothing. You said we could be friends, well talk to me! Give me something!

Only God knows how much I hate you. How much I love you.

I wish we never met. You know, I really do. You were the biggest mistake in my life…you hurt me. You made me bleed ’til there was nothing left. I have nothing left. I live only because I have no other choice. My life is so dull now.  I have friends and family but nothing…nothing fixes me like you did. I can’t wait until I find something that does.

Why do you think I started this whole mess with Ivan? I wanted you to cry again. I wanted to feel like I still mattered to you. But I don’t. And it’s not like I have no feelings for him because I do. They are just such confused emotions because whenever I like someone I don’t trust them with me. I can’t even kiss someone without comparing them to you.

God take me now. Take me out of this misery you allowed to happen. I don’t want him to have this control over me but I haven’t the slightest clue of how to stop it. Please God, take this away from me. Take him from my life. But most of all, take him from my heart and give me the strength and courage to love again.