Does that make me a bad person?

** You really don’t have to read all of this. I’ve just got it here for my sanity. But I’m pretty sure that’s why everyone else here even has an opendiary. Anyway, there’s your warning. **

Last night I stayed over at a friends house. She’s a family friend and is more like a sister to me. So a few days before she comes to get me, she tells me that her brother, also one of my really good friends, has been acting mysteriously. She says that she found some texts in his phone pertaining to a drinking party he went to. Naturally she confronted him about it and he pulled into himself while lashing out on her a bit. Please understand that this kid is waaaay good. He’s a REALLY good guy. He doesn’t drink or have sex or curse or anything and she basically told me he was doing two of the three…that scared the sh!t outta me. Right, so I talked to him a week or so after she told me about these messages and what happened between them; he told me there was something he had to tell me. We were online chatting on facebook and out of no where he decides that there’s something, something big I swear, that he was gonna tell me but he "wanted to tell me in person". So me, being my normal self, begged for him to at least give me a hint about what it had to do with. He wouldn’t. But my mind was already off to thinking it had A) something to do with a girl, B) something to do with/ an explanation of the texts, C) nothing that really big of a deal and I honestly was making something out of nothing. Eventually I had to crash because it was almost 2 in the morning.

Anyway, I was over at her house and when I had a second alone with either of them, she would ask me if he told me what was going on or I would be pestering him to tell me what was going on. I didn’t have anything to tell her and he just kept telling me that he would say it later.

Finally later came and she fell asleep on the couch after we watched Doubt, that Merryl Streep movie. Almost every time I stay at her house I sleep in his bed. (his birth parents are divorced/remarried and he lives with his mom) This night was no different.

I went into his room and he stood up and followed me. At first I wasn’t comfortable being in the room alone with him, with the lights off, and everyone else in the house asleep. I didn’t trust myself. Hey, it’s been a while since I last made a move on a guy and those times didn’t work out so well because I normally ended up feeling trashy afterwards. Anyway, we were in his room, he brushed his teeth and came to lay next to me on the bed. We attempted to start up the conversation on him telling me. Eventually we just got to him telling me it was a girl that he liked that I knew. Said we went to church with her, she was a family friend, he’s known her for a while, and I knew her very (emphasis on the very) well. HELLO! Earth to me! Now that I seriously think about it, I swear the girl is me. But now I feel like a total skank for wanting to kiss him. Hell, I even hugged him on the bed. Like a cuddle hug. A hug a couple would do. Maybe you don’t understand the damage I’ve done. This kid is 15. I’m gonna be 18 in less than two months. Technically I could be put away for this can’t I?

But honestly, he’s a great guy. I’ve known him for a while and ever since I can remember, his dad is always saying he wants the two of us to get married some day. It’s just that now, all of a sudden, he’s an opportune guy for me. I don’t know…I feel like I’m wrong because I don’t like anyone. Anyone. I was basically leaning on him, getting close to him, touching him any little chance I could just to get the feeling that he liked me. To know if he did. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I know it’s not fair to him for me to have acted that way.

Perhaps you should know that he’s been there for me so we have a bond that’s pretty strong already. But the last guy I was with completely screwed up relationships for me. Completely doesn’t even cover the damage he’s done to me. And Alec, the guy, was there for me when I needed him. I feel…worthless.

Tell me what I should do.