feet on ground

i hardly even heard your words before they reeled me out of orbit. i lost the ground, didn’t know which way was up. there was a haze, and i didn’t know where i was. who i was. i had to find reality. i had to get my feet on the ground. i had to stay there.

I called everyone I could when I got home. No one is home. I tried to cry. I couldn’t. I tried the radio, the TV. They’re meaningless. Then I remembered opendiary.

Today was my ensemble competition. I’m in the clarinet choir again, and there are 10 of us. It’s not very good, and no one really seems to care. When I got to our warm up today, no one seemed enthused at all. Lisa was late. When she came in, she was absolutely bawling. I had no idea why. I asked a couple girls, who shrugged and looked away. I decided it was no big deal. Lisa mumbled something about how her cheerleading coach almost didn’t release her today, and we started practicing. Everyone stated that they just wanted to do this and get it over with. I looked around and felt so completely alone. Was I the only one that cared?

The room that we would perform for the judges in was up a flight of stairs, the only room up there. We had to wait a while. We had so many followers, they flowed all the way down the stairs. We filled the room when we entered. We didn’t play too good, or that terrible either. There was a long, long wait for our score. I stopped thinking about the score, I was trying to accept that we wouldn’t go to state. While we waited, Audra just kept staring at me. Staring, studying. I didn’t understand, she had been doing it all day! Finally she pulled me aside.

“Do you know anything about it?”

I was so confused. “About what?”

“Do you know ANYTHING?….You don’t know, do you?”

I pulled her further away from the crowd, begging to be told whatever it was.

“Josh is dead.”

I didn’t believe her. I thought I felt a floating sensation, and realized that I was dreaming. But this COULDNT be a dream! I’m waiting for my score. I can’t dream while I’m waiting for my score! I didn’t want to believe her. I wanted to know how, why, when. But my mom was frantic. She told us to be quiet, we had to stop talking because we had to be quiet in this building.

I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t ruin my mascara. I couldn’t cry. I was in a daze. Now everything made sense. Parents were so hushed because they all knew. Kids were crying because they just found out. Kids didn’t care about music anymore because the best person in the world was dead. How many knew? Which ones? I studied faces, begging to know. Parents know, but they aren’t supposed to tell the kids. The kids aren’t supposed to know until after they perform.

I was still in my daze, fighting tears, struggling reality, when we FINALLY got our score. We got first! We’re going to state! I was so happy. I hugged mom, and I started to cry. I was so happy. I was so sad. I stopped crying as soon as I could. No one could see me cry. I couldn’t ruin my mascara.

Josh Palmer. The band director’s son. A grade below me. Josh Palmer. The funniest kid in the world. Josh Palmer. Gone.

Josh has always been sickly. He’s really skinny, with a kind of a hunchback look to him. He has so many problems that I don’t even know. One is Marfins (sp?). My brother has it. Very rare. It has to do with the heart, and it’s not good. But I heard that Josh died from a brain anyorism (can’t spell). Josh just had open heart surgery a month ago too.

Why? Josh isn’t supposed to die. Josh is the best kid in the world. His family doesn’t deserve this. Why did it happen the day before solo and ensemble competition? Why did it happen at all? I don’t want to go to school on Monday. It’ll be too hard. I don’t want to go to the funeral. I won’t be able to take it. Remember Jim’s funeral last spring? I hardly knew him, and I couldn’t take it. We had to play at his funeral. We can’t play at Josh’s. We can’t.

(and yet, as I say all of this, I want to know when the funeral is, how we’re going to accomodate for all these people, if Mrs. Palmer will have us play.) When will Mrs. P be back at school? What about her daughter Erin or son David? Are we going to plant a tree for josh in front of the school to go along with the 3 kids from his class that died last year? What is his page of the yearbook going to look like?

What are we supposed to do without Josh?

I hope you’re happy. I’ve gone and completely messed up my makeup. (finally)