Reflecting

You know I wonder if people who knew me in my past saw me now would even realise it was me….. and what they would think when they saw me….

To think who I used to be and what I am now…. I used to be so in control, quiet, but happy, focussed, determined, smart, energetic, easily amused……

Now I’m just like some mutant beast, moody, sad, depressed, angry, powerless, unenergetic, and so very much not in control of my life…..

I wonder if I can see this why can’t I make the change.  And then I get angry at myself for being able to see it and not seeming to be able to snap the hell out of it and get better.

Sometimes I think it would be best if I just left this thing called life, but then how can I do that without anyone noticing.

Gah.  My course starts next week, maybe studying and trying to work towards a purpose will help me find motivation in other areas of my life.  Maybe having something to work towards might actually make me happy…. or at least set me on the road to getting out of my own endless hell inside my head.

Here’s hoping…..

peace

x