5/7/06

Well, I still don’t know what to do.  I haven’t seen him yet today because he’s still home.  He’s coming back tonight obviously because we have class tomorrow.  I’m sure he’ll call me later on because we haven’t seen each other in a day.  I’m worried about him for reasons other than what I’ve stated previously.  I can’t really talk about that because I could get him in a lot of trouble.  I’m sure he’s fine, but I just worry.  I’m going to talk to him tonight.  And I’m sure it will get me nowhere like usual.  I’ve told him that my friends don’t like the way he treats me, but he says that he thinks he doesn’t treat me badly.  I’m so confused.  I want to be with him, but not how we are now.  He says that he sees us together in the future.  He’s already made plans for next semester.  But all I can think about is his ex-girlfriend. 

I talked to her online the other day.  I was pretty shitty to her because this boy and I have known each other for about two years.  They started dating, while I was friends with both of them.  They were having issues, and I was having issues with another boy.  One night at a party, they were mad at each other, and I was mad at the boy I was with at the time.  Me and him went outside to talk about our problems and he kissed me.  That was how it all started.  After that, he told me that him and her were only friends, but the whole while, he was cheating on her with me.  I guess I knew all along and I was a total bitch to do that to a friend, but I liked him.  After she found out, she went back to her first love, who she’s very happy with now.  What I don’t understand is he says he truly loved her, but how could he cheat on the one he loved?  She told me that he said he could never be completely with her because of feelings he had for another girl (me).  She didn’t know it was me until after.  Now he has me, and he wants her back.  He says he wants to get over her but it’s going to take some time.  I don’t know if he actually still has feelings for her, or if he’s just pissed because she broke up with him and that hurt his pride.  I really don’t know. 

A couple weeks ago we got into a fight because he was stressed and took it out on me.  He felt really bad afterwards and tried apologizing.  I was so hurt that instead of coming to me to make him feel better when he’s stressed, he took it out on me.  I wouldn’t accept his apology and he said something to me that I thought I had imagined.  He said "you know, I really feel like I love you, then you go and do something like this".  I was in such a bad mood that I didn’t catch it until after.  He hasn’t said it again since then and I’m afraid that if I say it to him, he won’t say it back.

Maybe I’m just feeling depressed because he’s not here.  We honestly do have a lot of fun together and we don’t have as many problems as I’m making it sound.  I don’t know, I think that I’m just thinking about all the bad times.  Once I see him again I’ll probably be fine.  I just wish he would commit.