turkey day minus the turkey

went to dinner with my sister ate food i couldnt afford

listened to her roommate complain about being a vegitarian as i ate lamb…and it was good dammit

so on thanksgiving your supposed to be thankful for things so heres my list

-my health, I kind of had a scare earlier this year that required surgery, as far as i know everything bad is now gone, but im too afraid to get a check up i dont want to hear its back.

-I finally did something ive always wanted to do, I live int he place ive always wanted to but never had the courage to do so. even though my reasoning for being here was flawed i dont regret it. its hard, im short on money, im in debt, im struggling, but in 15 minutes i can be sitting in union square…thats not something everyone can say or do.

-Nick, hes my favorite person in the world, i dont know where id be without him. He is the one constant in my life that never leaves me. while this year has been hard for us both we still manage to keep our friendship strong. He has done so much for me in the past, and present and i hope he will always be in my futute.

-Mike, hes amazing, he can make me smile no  matter how bad of a mood i am in, we have an emotional roller coaster of a relationship but it never changes how i feel. he can make me so angry, laugh so hard, or cry more tears than you can imagine. its scary to think that hes only able to do that because he holds such a big place in my heart.

unfortunately around the holidays i dent to get upset. i used to love holidays because i used to love being near my family. now it jus doesnt mean as much. This time of year always has reminded me of my dad, its the last memory i have is our last christmas. we all knew it was the last but those words were never said, we never spoke of the inevitable, it didnt exist, atleast not to me, but we dont need to get into it.

i always seem to be very reflective this time of year, i tend to look back at all of my regrets and kick myself in the ass for them. why is it so easy to see the bad but so hard to remember the good in things. how do we remind ourselves that there is more to life than the broken plans, things not turning out the way we wanted, or the seeming endless streak of bad luck? I know i struggle with my negativity, i know i need to work on it. but why must it be so hard to remind ourselves of the good, do we leave it up to others to remind us?