You better not cry

That is what I say to myself sometimes. AHHHH I miss Mike – I haven’t seen him for nearly 5 days because of the snow and I feel lost and empty. I feel angry and sad about messing up my friendship with someone who I considered to be one of my best friends for years then things changed when we both had serious relationships and his girlfriend changed him. For the past couple of years I have been fighting for his attention in our friendship, we used to have good times together but we started to drift futher and further apart and I blame his girlfriend for that because she only ever wanted to hang out with her friends. I felt like I was never good enough to be in her ‘in crowd’ they got their own place last summer and told us to come round some time but they never actually told us where they lived and I got hurt when their facebook status updates would say things like ‘we are really looking forward to having our friends around for a bbq’ why do people post things like that for everyone who didn’t get an invite to see?? Anyway we haven’t seen each other for nearly a year and thats what pissed me off the most because we went to their engagement party and booked a room in the hotel so we could go and be able to drink and guess what they didn’t speak to us all evening – Mike and I sat there looking like lemons surrounded by people we had never met before. Talk about rude! I tried staying in touch so many times by sending texts etc but I got sick of being the only one to make an effort and we had a big bust up and you know whats so damn annoying he turned around and said that he didn’t expect his true friends to not have contact for 10 months then start being nasty! For God’s sake he was bloody ignoring me when I was trying to be nice! I wish I could go back a few years and change what happened when he and his ex split up – we were all best friends and when they broke up I took his side and lost her forever and now I miss her more than ever and now I have lost them both.

I am feeling really vulnerable at the moment, I think its a mixture of being snowed in and missing Mike but I have been thinking about things the past couple of days since I finished reading ‘Handle with care’ and I learnt a lot about myself that I had never realised before, basically I used to be a self harmer and I don’t anymore but if I cut myself by accident or burn myself with my straightners I feel weird inside, i feel wrong and guilty even though I didn’t self harm and I always feel secretly pleased though that I am marked. Anyway one of the characters in this book starts self harming and it felt weird to read about it in depth. The girl in the book was also binge eating and making herself sick a lot. I used to do that on and off for quite some years but I didn’t understand until yesterday that they are often linked. Apparently the two commonly go together. I don’t know why I am writing this because it doesn’t matter anymore but I can now understand a bit more why I did these things.