I am not a sack of meat.

So, this weekend adds to the confusion that is my life. Firstly I spent the whole weekend with a friend of mine. This friend I’m not sure that I’m interested in pursuing romantically, actually to be shallow, I don’t think that it’s such a good idea from a purely physical standpoint in that she’s a very physical person and I am not….how physical do you ask?

All she really wants is sex. All the time, all day every day…it’s terrible. Then there’s another friend of mine who I really like on an intellectual level and we share many common interests and I find her very attractive, problem being she’s only lukewarm towards me at best. Which is a shame, because I really like her a lot. Then there’s yet a another two women that I care deeply for emotionally and who continue to allow themselves to be hurt by poor choices and I feel confident that I can help them see that they have more choices than they think that they do. Unfortunately they don’t see me as that kind of creature. Then lastly there is an old wavering flame who ripped my heart out and stamped it into the cold ground.

And yet has come back wishing to be my friend. Which I don’t really think I know how I feel about that considering for six months she used me for emotional support she couldn’t get from anyone else, using me as three quarters of a significant other while she had no intentions of letting things go further but while convincing me that there was a chance for exactly that keeping me waiting and hoping. And now this particular one is upset with me because "things aren’t going to be the same this time." Except in a more questioning tone. She wants (needs she says) me in her life as an emotionally supportive being to the degree that a boyfriend or significant other should be, but she does not want me as that particular person, she wants her cake and to eat it too and she’s a little upset that I’m not going to let her have that.

And then let’s not even get into the one that just wanted to use me for sex. That’s right, she seduced me for one wild night of fun. I still feel a little used and dirty from the whole thing, and it makes me angry because for a while I did kind of have a small crush on her. And she knew that, using it against me to get what she wanted.

What does this all mean in terms of coming to some kind of coherent conclusion?   That once again I seem to be heading to a point in my romantic life that I don’t want to be where I’m settling for someone that wants me whom I really don’t want back or at least not to the degree that they want me at any rate.

However I feel that either I am doomed to "settle" or else just be alone for the rest of my life.  I’m not sure which is worse really.  All that I know is it’s hard not feeling wanted on an emotional level and just being a piece of meat.  Odd for a guy to complain about that I think.  And yet, here I am complaining about someone only wanting my body, but then telling me that they want more.  This leads to the rather odd fact that I am human and do have urges that need satisfied.  And that makes me a bad person.

I’m tired of settling for everything in my life instead of having what I deserve, but do I think I deserve more than I really do?  Spending so long single leads one to think that they are ugly, unattracitive, borish, unfunny, and unwanted.  Which is how I’m starting to feel.  That no matter how good I feel that I am or make myself, I will never be good enough for anyone else which is always so hard to face.