3/1/2004

Do u ever feel like there is no one in the world that cares? No one who really knows what or how u feel, and maybe dont even care?

My biological mother is back after 15 years i don’t know how to respond, react, and quite honestly I have NO CLUE what to do. I really miss my mom (the one i grew up with) and i really feel like i need a mom right now that maybe it would just fix everything. But at the same time i also know what comes along with her, drug and alcohol abuse, im not sure if I’m ready to take care of her. We talked for all of 1 hour and in that hour i told her that i didnt want to include her in my life, and she told me that im too young to know what i want. And i told her i was old enough to hve and raise a child by myself (stupid yes i know), and she told me that i must not have done a very good job if she’s not here now…that comment alone destroyed me. What if she’s right and i really was an unfit mother and ive spent so much time pretending i was supermom that i didnt even notice and thats why she died. What if im just like her and wasnt ever really a good mom or what if she’s right and my daughter missed out on everything because i was too young to give it to her. What if she’s right and im just like her only taking the longer path to self destruction.

My whole life fell apart this weekend, it’s all my grandmother’s fault, she thought it was time to get to know my mother. My real mother, who wasnt there when i needed her most who hada grandchild she didnt even know and did even care to hear about her, and actually didnt even know my child was a girl until i told her. Please help me and tell me what to do before i just end it all and dont have to deal with this.