The one with the two years

What can I possibly say about the last two years since I started dating Travis? It’s certainly been a whirlwind and a roller coaster. Some days it feels like we just started, other days it feels like we’ve been together for half a lifetime. Sometimes I just think back and I think, wow, did it really happen that way – do I really remember it so vividly? But then again, how could I have forgotten a detail about the day that began to change my life?

Travis says that that first day he met me, I was like a scared little girl. How could I not have been? I was flying by myself for the first time ever, to a place I had never been to before, to meet someone I had only spoken to on the phone and online. That’s not even taking into consideration everything I was and everything else I was feeling then. Of those, many are things I wish to never relive again, and in fact I have gone out of my way to not think about them at all. In my world, it is best this way – to try and purge myself of some awful realities. But I can say this – I was very different. I had no self confidence, I was fighting my inner demons and all the self hatred that has been ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. So why would I ever think that anything would ever come out of this first meeting? Sure we had talked about all the possibilities, about how if we started anything it would have to be more than a one time shot; and how unlikely was that with us living half a country apart?

A part of me said that it would be a one time deal, since I had come to believe that was the only thing left for me. I didn’t care about myself, my relationships, etc. I thought that anything good had already bypassed me and I wasn’t meant to have anything else. Cynical of course, but what I thought was real. Another part of me was utterly convinced that this would be IT. That part of me knew that somehow everything would work out, that this was what I had been waiting for and what I had been needing (that right there is a sign of the power struggle that exists in me still into today – the utter optimist versus the utter pessimist. Polar opposites pulling me into completely different directions). I didn’t always want to believe in that positivism, because I felt it would just be another chance for me to get hurt again, and I had had enough of that. Strangely, I found myself praying about this early on, despite the fact that at that point in my life I had all but given up on prayer entirely. I have a private, early FOD entry (now saved on my comp) analyzing the possibilities, thinking of what could be, and at the very bottom, I had a very primitive but very heartfelt prayer that read something like, “Dear God, please let this work out, please let me find the love and happiness I deserve. I’ve been hurt too many times before, I can’t bear to be hurt again”.

Pretty much everyone knows what happened next. Came to Indy, held Travis for that first time, spent that first magical week together, and fell in love. It was a way of finding myself, finding a missing piece, however you want to phrase it, there it was. At the time I didn’t realize what a work in progress we were, but it was there. Looking back, looking at the types of people we were then compared to now, I’m not sure how we made it, but we did. Of course, we also know that the only one that deserves the credit for getting us to today is God, because without Him we’d have nothing.

Back then, I remember thinking, wow, we are so close. But with time came the knowledge that, no, we really weren’t as close as we thought. Yes we shared so much, but we kept so many things under wraps, so many walls up, that in reality we were still so far apart. Those walls came down a bit after every visit, every conversation, every argument. This became even more true after my move here. If I could point to one thing that made the relationship, it would be that. Travis has told me that my move helped make it real for him. If that’s what it took, then I am glad I’m here, despite everything else. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but of course, we already had known that it wouldn’t be easy. But comparing pre-move to post-move, it has been a cakewalk. Through perseverance, faith, hard work, resilience, and a lot of other things, the walls started to come down, slowly but surely. We got through everything. With God behind us, we will continue to get through everything.

I’ve known that we’d marry for a few months now, but for the past three weeks since I’ve had my ring, I still can’t help but to look down at my left hand in utter amazement. That little prayer made when I wasn’t even a believer came true. All I can think of is, wow. Sometimes the tears come when I do so, mostly of relief nowadays. I get lost in thought and it’s like there is some slideshow that plays in my head, reliving some of the major moments in our relationship. I know that with this ring comes the commitment of working hard at what life brings us, because we’re doing this for life, not “until we are sick of each other”, as many marriages in this world seem to be like. I know there are days where it won’t be easy and all we will want to do is scream in utter frustration. I know, because we have been there before. But like this diamond that sparkles brightly on my hand, I know this bond is tough, enduring, intense, and everlasting.

Happy two years, my TMill.