(I Have) No One to Love

I do not seek your pity;
This is not a plea for sympathy.
I simply state a harsh fact of life for me.
There are multitudes like me, I suppose –
We share one canoe yet row with different oars …
I have no one to love.

The vast majority of those I commiserate with
Have no knowledge of the circumstance I harbor.
Adequacy, or lack thereof, has no relevance here.
Except that I am approaching fifty and not once attached,
One would probably stop short of considering
I have no one to love.

It is not because I have not desired.
It is not because I have not yearned.
It is not because I have not craved.
It is not because I have not searched.
It is not because I fear committment that
I have no one to love.

When I sat down to play, these were the cards I was dealt.
Loneliness is my companion but I hold no one responsible.
Starving for affection and intimacy is all I have ever known.
The word “eunuch” does not nor will ever apply to this man.
I share this canoe with others yet on another level.
I have no one to love.

Long ago there were a few encounters.
Never have I been in a long-term relationship.
Elaborating will be most counterproductive –
I do not expect you to understand it.
I know what it is that I must face;
I have no one to love.

I love my mom and I love my dad.
I love my brothers and I love my sister.
I love my neices and I love my nephews.
I love my friends both far and near.
I love my God more than any of these. Still
I have no one to love.2

I want a love Mom and Dad cannot give,
A companionship that siblings cannot offer,
A closeness that friends cannot fulfill.
A casual encounter can never do it for me.
Physical, emotional, primal, biological
I have no one to love.

Many have possessed it and then lost it.
Some lose it before they even KNOW it.
Some treat it as if it is disposable,
While others maintain it for a lifetime.
That which I thought possible was unrequited.
I have no one to love.

You have seen me on the fringes of your sight.
I’m always shopping in the supermarket alone;
I am usually driving in my car alone.
I avert your eyes so as to avoid making contact.
On weekends I have absolutely nowhere to go.
I have no one to love.

Please do not pry, asking questions as to why.
Don’t say things like, “You’re a handsome guy!
Why can’t you find someone special?”
Whether or not I am handsome is immaterial.
It is much more complicated than that as to why
I have no one to love.

What I want I cannot have.
What I can have I do not want.
Like Paul, I have inquired of the Lord
To please remove this thorn from me.
“My grace is sufficient for you,” He says.
It is a thorn I must withstand.

I never thought it would be this way.
As each year passes it becomes more clear.
There may be others in the canoe, no doubt,
But this is a journey I suffer alone.
Is it better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all?|Epilogue|
Never have I known what I will never have;
The Lord loves me and I do love the Lord;
I have family miles away, I have very few friends;
And for the duration of this life there is one thing
That I do have, and it will be with me until my eyes close,
What I have – and it is profoundly mine – is no one to love.