She Was Beautiful IV

“I’m going to move out shortly … may I see you?” she said, ever so softly, almost a plea …

I’ve noticed as I age, the behaviors, the thoughts, of the man I am now are very different from the younger me. It wasn’t an intentional decision to change; it just seems to have happened, evolved, when I wasn’t looking.

There was a time, in the not so distant past when I wouldn’t have thought twice about yielding to my arousal, and this woman’s advance. Now, I think things like – She’s hurting, afraid, feeling unloved and is hoping to recapture those feelings or, at least, anesthetize herself against the pain, through alcohol and me.

The present me recognizes my actions with a different view of my responsibility. Every day, in every encounter, I have a choice. I can choose to be part of the problem or part of the answer. EVERY action I take can only come from one of two places – a place of love, or a place of fear. If I choose to see myself as a man of honor, a man of character, then I must recognize … people are either coming to us with love or, asking for love. There is nothing else.

Only in relationship to another, do I discover myself. It is a mirror of what’s inside me, my consciousness. It reveals my beliefs, attachments, fears, my joys, as well as my sorrows. The challenge is to observe this reflection of my soul without running from it …

The answer was clear …

“No, I’m not going to see you.”

Why then, did I feel, so . . . sad?

a perfectly captured state of beingness at a stage in life one only recognizes when they are there.

anne, awakening

October 23, 2003

wow.. incredible story.. i don’t know if it is true or not, but i thoroughly enjoyed your way of capturing vulnerability and reaching out for a change. you are much stronger than many, i think.

Hi Anne, Thanks so much for your kind words … yes, it IS a true story. It happened just before Christmas 1998. Though I was significantly tempted, I just couldn’t go for it, she was too fragile, and I knew her attraction to me had less to do with me and more to do with her escaping a crumbling marriage. I look forward to exploring your diary. Best wishes,

You are an incredible writer.

BRILLIANT! You are fabulous!

Sandy Mermaid

November 28, 2003

Love this entry… Such a simple concept, but so hard to see most of the time. The forest made invisable by the trees. Thanks for sharing… :o)

A very touching story. Sadly, I see myself in the woman you described.

Wonder if the husband even knew anything she was feeling. She may still live there, in the same place, with the same number today. Ok, I’m noting for myself mostly, lol.

I browsed in after reading some of your replies to findingout2. I must say. There are not many men who would be so true that they would do as you did. It was very noble act, a well written account, and honerable mention. That was good of you.

Your lack of current entries has driven me to reading the old ones… Proud of you in this series. I’m honestly not a man hater, but I didn’t know that there were men out there who could resist temptation for a the higher reasons. Wow. Makes me look a little more closely at myself – as usual. Thank you. bmh

unbelievablyme

June 6, 2005

getting to know you. wow… I am moving in this direction , but not there yet.

This is beautiful.

Good man.