Find me

As a warning, this is slightly heavy text, and I don’t bother with many of the usual layman explanations.

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Not returning to school was not something that needed time to take effect on me or time for me to adjust to. It didn’t have a delayed hit. I knew three months ago that the summer would end about this time, and that the remaining leftover aquaintances (“remaining leftover” is not redundant here, if anything, not redundant enough for the amount of cuts my high-school day friends have undergone) I have in this town would move on back to where they’ve been for the past 3 or more or less years.

I couldn’t care less. I’ve even taken a sort of solace in the permanence of excommunication my move to Vegas will afford me. It’s not that I’m tired of them, or dislike them. It’s difficult to put into words.

Not only have I transitioned to an antisocial state of mind (which doesn’t involve much actually being antisocial, just… a way of thinking), but I hate feeling obligated. I hate people caring about me and then expecting their own form of care in return. Though I’ve been through blind emotional loyalty that I disagreed with in retrospect, I grew out of it, and moved on. Years ago.

Unfortuantely some of my friendships were formed before that time, and some still expect an effort towards endearing bullshit that I don’t produce anymore. Charm was always a choice and a skill, not a trait. I feel I’m more real than that now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so cold that I don’t care about them, I’m just not willing to give them the same satisfaction of feeling so special, and frustrated with the fact that they haven’t realized they’d been partially had. Also not on my list of things to do is tell them without them asking. But if they ask, it’s their own fault. I chalk it up to being a kid, and move on, but I doubt others would treat it so dismissively.

Perhaps the root of one major change is the larger perspective I have gained. While I don’t actually think it’s gotten any larger, the importance of everything that used to be important has decreased. But not because I’ve found anything more important, though. I’m not going to give you an analogy, so be smart enough to understand what that means. Or ask.

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I’ve been saying for a long time that I don’t know what I want. I think I’ve found a more accurate way to describe that. Some of what I want are concepts (3 in count) that can’t be effectively manifested in my existence.

Concept one is adventure. This goes beyond just being bored with everything, and is possibly the most difficult concept to explain. I don’t think I’m alone in this field, and I don’t think anyone else has found a solution either. It’s more than entertainment and it’s more than something new. It’s also not a feeling. If you think feelings are what I need, you insult me.

Concept two is companionship. Less complicated to explain, and likely more widespread than concept one. This is more than loneliness and more than instinct. A like-minded individual to share my plight certainly wouldn’t solve problems, but she certainly would provide interest, and fulfill my human nature. My situation concerning dating is way too complicated for this entry, it’ll need one of its own. But I would like to say, as an aside, that me not being the least bit gay and everyone else not being gay limits the hell out of options. 50% is a lot.

Concept three is satisfaction. Simple enough, but impossible to achieve. I think I will be satisfied when I’m conscious of no longer existing. This is frustrating. A desire to have desires filled brings out infinite sorts of infinite loops. Try counting if you don’t believe me.

I think my progress in putting language terms to abstract ideas of what I want is slight progress towards making a career decision, but it all seems so big-picture, it’s tough to find any application.

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Maybe it’s obvious from the context of this entry, but I’ve been doing a lot more thinking. I don’t know if I told you or not that for the past several months I’ve been focusing on not thinking, mostly because I hated it. As I’ve taught myself to shift towards an acceptant stage of my defeat in my desire for something other than existence, I let the hate become more of a thing to observe than a thing to resist. Pleasant and unpleasant are only perceptions, and while I’ve known this for some time, my efforts to remain somewhat “human” (no better word) have led me to not tamper too much with things that could easily lead to a deadly crash.

As I sporatically began to think again, the change previously mentioned that so effectively dealt with my problems seemed to be on or near the top of the list of issues to be addressed. My inital plan was a lightswitch approach, a hope to turn off my mental state and instantly return to my previous, more logical, more desirable way of thinking. I discovered a simpler solution was possible, and it mostly took care of itself. I previously thought the coexistence of the two was inherently impossible, that there was not enough room in the town for the both of them. It turns out there’s a great deal of vacancy to go around, and the mutual efforts of both have upped productivity and reduced misery.

My constant hate is still present, but as I said, manageable from an observatory perspective.

I’m quite satisfied with my progess, I don’t think it could’ve gone much better.

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Not to sound condescending, but listening to people talk about their troubled pasts and how mentally/emotionally messed up it has left them makes me wonder if maybe my past had been slightly more troubled, my focus would be on more mundane issues. I’m no expert on what it’s like to be someone else, but their problems seem to be so much easier to grasp.