Michael Rooker is a looker.

I’m taking a break from cleaning my house. I’ve already dusted/washed the hardwood floor and did the dishes. I still have to dust most of the surfaces in the living room and clean the bathroom (my least favorite house chore). I still live at home without a job so "doing chores" is my main source of income as well as one of the many things that make me feel like I’m twelve years old. I have pretty bad anxiety which has kept me from holding down a job or basically living a normal life outside of my home. My grandma feels bad for me and my plight and has graciously offered to pay me the princely sum of $200 a month for a little half-assed scrubbin’ and whatnot. Oh, how nice it must be to be old and have money to pay your dysfunctional grandchildren for little to no reason at all.

I am going out to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and a mutual friend of ours, Eric. Eric lives about an hour and a half’s drive away from me and I rarely get to see him. I’m feeling weird about it. I "sort of cheated" (not my phrase) on Boyfriend on New Year’s Eve by making out with a female acquaintance of mine while he was absent and it turned into a large, emotional clusterfuck. He claims he’s forgiven me but things feel really different. He’s acting more emotional towards me which is not like him at all. I also am not sure if I’ve forgiven myself yet. I do things to distract myself all day like watching comedic television shows on Netflix because it takes my mind off things I don’t really feel like facing. But once I go to bed or go to the bathroom or do anything that leaves my mind open, I replay his words and my actions over and over and over again. It’s driving me insane.

I have always been a very good girlfriend. I am always loyal and forgiving. I am there for my significant other when he needs me and I always give my undying support for whatever he may be pursuing at the time. All these things should make it easier to forgive myself as what I did is so out of character for me and very unlikely to ever happen again. Instead it just makes it harder to forgive myself. It’s forcing me to reevaluate myself and my relationship with Boyfriend and, if I really am such a good girlfriend and good person, why did I do what I did?

I watched Henry: Portrait of Serial Killer today. It’s somewhat based on Henry Lee Lucas, a real-life serial killer. I’d been meaning to watch it for quite a while. I am very interested in serial killers and the psychology behind why they do what they do. I blame my mom for always watching true crime shows when I was a kid. It’s kind of imprinted into my being. I give it 4 stars out of 5.