step 7

 

ON and ON

I have been in menopause for seven years…the hot flashes have diminished to a moist sheen…mood swings a breezy sway…libido still abnormally high can’t imagine what I’ll do if it stops…(I am enjoying it)…but this mid-life pubescent reflection has my head exploding.

I’m listening to…"receiving Love"

…An audio book about transforming relationships by learning to receive love.

Part of that imago relationship therapy…. you are subconsciously drawn to a partner the forces you to deal with your unresolved stuff and heal…but after the healing, learning how to accept the love and letting the walls down.

For a min. I was there… I felt well maybe "I need to reconsider"… I am wounded and I know it… maybe this is more about me than anything is… and maybe I don’t know how or want, to receive love…. I don’t know how that feels to be the object of someone’s love…feeling safe in that love…my emotions and rational mind on the same vibe…. The thought of it makes me feel too vulnerable yet I say I want to feel and know someone’s love… yearn for it…dream of it.

Why is that scary … especially in my marriage… one of my favorites wrote an entry warning to stay close to your spouse and not allow any space between you…as a defense against the temptation to cheat.

…The thought of being close to him in my core… is unpleasant. I feel ashamed to admit that but the THOUGHT of opening my inner most self to him is …yuck…I know it’s yuck because of me. The junk that I carry and project on to him won’t allow me to love him openly and accept how he loves me… WE have merged in my head…if he behaves embarrassingly in public… It feels like I have…. I take ownership of his behavior and thoughts and moods yet I resent him for the same…. it’s sick on my part because HE is a very simple man.

…So I live in a state of temptation…wanting to be close to someone but not HIM.

Men must sense the vunerability…seems like I am being tested all over the place.

Like a karmic joke… I’m great at receiving Lust… but my love receptor is in a basement behind the bricked wall…no door …no out …just bricked in

Reality…

I do need to heal.  I will never be in a gratifying relationship without doing this work…but I know like I know… I am going to hurt HIM… Something I cannot muster the maturity to do is  …change me or hurt HIM… change the dynamic in the relationship…makes me feel like the ships captain…. It’s hard to focus on my stuff while owning his…

Maybe some of us are just made to experience a series of shallow passionate encounters that bring us euphoric joy but flicker out over time and then another…

Maybe mature love is over rated… mankind prides himself in working hard and enduring…..?????And for what? Some ego…. vain pursuit? Help me out here…..

 …And now, my cell phone is ringing.