My past

I figured out something about myself this morning. I was placed in special classes as a child. I remember bunch people pointing at me saying there is a problem. I remember just thinking what did I do wrong? That time when I watch jerry springer as a child and the teen was acting out doing drugs, smoking and speaking out of line and pregnant at 14, my grandpa said that would be me, not because I ever was misbehaving but because I was labeled. My mom said I behaved extremely good as a child, it was more because I wasn’t perfect, this ideal. I was autistic, learning disabled, dyslexia, ADD, ADHD…later anxiety issues. I was watching this social media clip, someone get blamed for their disability and it just hit me hard. I stopped talking for a year as a child, I hardly said much at times, as teen I was very clearly autistic. When I got to college things got better because I tried to come out of my shell, I was awkward, after college my first real job helped by that point I was 26. I would say 1-25 I was extremely shy based on my disabilities, 26-42 I am not as disabled but I face lot challenges from others, feel disconnected. During my youth I face so much adversity, granted I was far more disabled then I am now, but the way my college took me in vs my high school. I entered 9th grade with challenges they gave me IEP and told me this was a plan for my future, they made no plan, they did not hear my plans, no discuss no classes, no anything to help me learn, they placed me in dumb classes that taught me nothing, when I told them I wanted a future and wanted to go to college to be something, they told me I would be nothing, I would not pass mainstream classes, I would not ever make it to college, I should get pregnant and have babies and depend on a man, and or be waiter or fireman. I have no idea why they hired these horrible special education workers. I look back at him now and think why would you tell a impressionable child this. The amount of pain these caused is worse then anything in my entire life to date, not since experience of bad come close, because my teen years I wanted to die because of this. Why did this bother me so much? My childhood I had more demons they didn’t acknowledge.  When I was little girl my biological father beat the shit out my mother, I remember being little child and him beating the car break in it, I remember my grandparents saying why did you get involved that italian drug addict trash get yourself knock up, you have nothing you depended on a man, now your stuck. I remember how loving my mom was, how lucky i was from start of having a mother she made me number 1, dumped his ass, and focused on me, loved me, worked 60 hours week for us. I remember thinking while I love this woman, I never want to be her, staring out the door crying as she left for work with grandparents mostly just ignored me I cried for her attention. I thought I want higher life, college something I never depend on a man, he didn’t pay a day of child support. She cut him out of my life completely at 5 last conversation I had with him, because abuse she didnt want me anywhere near him and said she press charges, she was hardcore drug addict.  So when I was young I saw my grandparents fighting all time, they divorced got back together and my aunt her husband swung at her I saw that…I remember joking as a child, must been 9 and I said yea when I have babies and get married and under my breath I knew it was not what I wanted. I knew there would never be happy ending, I didnt believe in family, I watched tv shows with these smart woman going college being independent not getting involved in the dark world, I thought I want that. I want be successful, I want be smart. I wasn’t… they the school system took every single entire moment remind me of that, taking my challenges and making me feel more stupid, really I was more autistic then learning disabled. I had ability to learn, just didn’t know how communicate what I learned.. When I was little girl they said I had type of disability that later got diagnosed as autism, I didn’t know I was autistic until later in life. In middle school I had hard time talking to my classmates not just because of autism I started developing very bad anxiety issues, I remember faculty would say your not like those kids, your not them, your different. The special ed kids smarter then special ed system, they kept saying teachers she doesnt belong in these classes she understand everything she just not talking, they knew.. Everytime I go into the room with them, they would shut down my dreams, something lifeless about your dreams being shut down, all this hope I had from a child, this one hope I would not end up or need a man, now I was being told because I was stupid which was not my fault was going lead me to life I didn’t want. There became anxiety attacks so bad I thought during my teens maybe this life isn’t worth living, after Mr. Zuzic said you will never ever go college, go mainstream, ever be anything, I will not put IEP on path for you ever be anything, because I see you as nothing, I want you in small classes that students and teachers dont take seriously because they dont care about the future, me being anxious I cared so much about future I knew my life was going be worse then my mom, she was smart, I would be dumb and stuck and trapped.. I wanted so badly to be smart, high position, successful, college educated.. I didn’t focus on love as much, at same time during my teens I did get family life, I got so lucky, my mom moved in with my stepdad at 10, developed future, very healthy relationship until anything I ever seen prior, not perfect but he was and is a good man. He loved her and I saw that, they always been partners helping eachother out. I was very lucky as I got older with having very strong family, as small child that burned me to be who I am. I wasn’t lucky, I lost belief in men, my mom put up with lot with my stepdad he good man but never been easy, normal relationship with him, so I wanted dependence. It hurt so bad I can’t put into words how bad it hurt during my teen years, grief, rape, so many things, but the thing I was let down the most was being stupid being told I have no future and labeled, that damn IEP… my cross country coach told me during 9th grade when I was slow runner if I practice I could become best, nothing was fixed, he gave me hope. I told them I would leave hs unless they mainstream me, I got the honor roll, and became great runner. I again had to fight to get into college prep classes they worked aganist me IEP saying not part their future plan for me, ignoring my future for myself, so many faculties and stories so many faces people grown adults knocking me down, backhanded insults, saying I cant be, will not be, not cable.. I passed college prep classes, c and b, I worked really hard. My senior year only special ed lady I liked mrs. jacobs, she said to my mom your taugher is very smart, she can accomplish everything she wants, I am very worried about her anxiety more so then learning issues, I wish my mom and I would have pay more attention to this, this was first time someone was saying something that made sense. Oh they my junior year refuse to help me get into college after everything I proved they still refused.. My XC coach Mr, Santiseri he was guidance councelor he went out of his way to help, made sure I went to college that helped me..

My college experience was complete opposite, I had people believe in  me when I didnt believe in myself, my first year that gave me worst anxiety of my life, I could not understand if I was this stupid all along why couldn’t I have this support all along.. My anxiety got out of hand, I had face very dark demons, I was forced to get help, lot of the past demons caught up with me.. had cracked me into pieces. During college I learned to learn but also learned be more grounded, I did graduate. I did see my XC coach my senior year I started crying at table with friends, which by way I had no friends in HS I isloated myself all time. In college I did have friends, they were like why you crying, I said that man is reason why I am here, reason I made it to college.. I walked up to him and thanked him. I also need note social services federal program in college helped me get tutors, helped like IEP was suppose to in HS gave me resources like note takers, untime test…I was also part another program I had pay for TLC, for learning disabled students, I had tutors between both of them. social services was for learning disabled for also kids came from social economic school systems not given same opportunities, I learned lot being in diverse communties, I welcomed it, I felt welcomed more so my weird autistic qualities, I felt sense of acceptance more in college which helped, in hs I was judged lot. I wasn’t bullied as much 12-10 grade when I became good runner, people layed off, I did get bullied in fights with rednecks.  My mom didn’t teach me to be racist said because my italian dad had course hair I could be 25% black, so this racist redneck I couldnt stand them, 2 fights same girl, 2 other redneck went go at me.. I am not black I found that out later in life, I am sicilian italian.  Those small special ed classes, the teacher told me she was allowed say racist things if I correct her I would get in trouble. I can go into million bad stories back to college, I just met so many wonder people from all over world, I met many american of many races, many people that were not, it was awarding experience I had to take diversity classes. I loved it. I loved social services they gave free broadway shows to us. They gave…they cared, they helped.. students maybe could not afford ever see or have these opportunies I was happy they had these resources along with me.  Some students had far harder situations money, really needed help they had programs.

I am democrat, I hate trump, I hated him so much in those 4 years I can’t begin to state how much I hate him, I blame him for covid. I had to get into politics because it was in my face, is still in my face. My parents hate him worse then me.

When recently I heard trump say he was going defund education system… i secretly laughed..I smiled… I was like all along for years I been saying get rid of department of ed they created IEP, they created my hell. The very lable, special ed..all that shit is reason why I had depression so bad…thank fucking god. Maybe trump not so bad. I hate, I mean I hate trump so many reasons.. It wasn’t easy getting there, I thought if I was 18 after all that bad happen to me I would be trumper. I am not 18 and my college happen, I learned about holocaust and hitler and that experience with all students of many differences, social services was federal funded program meant help students who were born school systems not give opportunies, I was in better school system then that but wasn’t given because my issues.  That if you really think about it… trump not focusing on IEP for student like myself.. state will fund classes still for students like me, school I went too, they going take poor school systems and destroy them..

This open gateway mind fuckery for me… so while in college I wanted to be police officer once I notice how bad my anxiety issues were I knew I couldnt do that. I decided I wanted to be teacher, I went for BA History, I did get that but as I went take teaching classes I couldnt do it, anxiety from all my bad experiences… I sat back and thought what would I want do.. I want revenge, I want to be in law and I want destroy special education, went for post graduate paralegal degree for purpose working educational law so I could sue high schools, how great it would be to be the person typing up paperwork to destroy my HS because they destroyed me.. Oh I forgot mention my last year HS I found Mr. Zuzic asked for my IEP from Mrs. Jacobs, he said he wasn’t one said I would never amount anything I threw it in his face and made him cry room of people, I very nicely told him off… saying I am worried about other students, who hell was he to do that… My mom and Mrs. Kloc were in that meeting they both stood up for me. He was hell bend on destroying me in 9th grade, taking my soul running off with it. I made him cry 12grade. Once I graduated college, I sat outside special ed building I thought you fucking people I did it, you said I couldn’t… I went for my post graduate paralegal.. I wrote letter to board of education complaining about mr. Zuzic they wrote letter back contact their lawyer, I was upset for years after.. Many many years later I found out Mr. Zuzic was forced to retire year after I wrote that letter.  I tried for years getting my dream job special education law firm, education lawfirms, I applied never got in… Now because trump is going this…I might have my opportunity, I dont have lot legal experience I was going offer maybe volunteer and keep my current job I love company I work for, long story behind that.

This is big for me in what going on because it opens a door of something I wanted so badly for so many years, opportunity to sue my highschool. Nothing like justice…  it was a time in which my HS experience should been like my college experience… I cant express that enough, they should have helped me learn, write, read like my college did, the girl that walked in the doors and walked out..was not the same, they gave me they skills, also support I told them I wasn’t smart enough for post graduate paralegal certification, they all supported me… They helped me so many ways, I was able to be kid and have fun, party, in high school I had no friends, no fun, no anything it was drilled in me I was stupid… anything I could do breath would be means to bring me down to failure, they wanted me do drugs to be failure, they wanted me to fail. I know it, my cross country was one thing kept me focus and alert and gave me disapline, I was also struggling so badly with anxiety which shouldnt been the case. We all have dark pasts, I guess.. many days, many days in high school I thought I would kill myself.. no point of a life, I have no future.. Only until college, did I face my demons, get help, learn to be happy, some best years of my life, last few years of college.

This trump thing, has nothing to do with me, IEPs..another racist way he works aganist others shut their opportunies. I see though it, he doesn’t want students in poor school given help federal.. he doesn’t see how bad idea this is.. how crime or harder will be..just idiot move.. how about IEP for students deaf or blind need ADA accomdiations in these schools.. maybe IEP work for some, it did nothing for me, try destroy me.