broken ego

Few years ago I was practicing spirituality to the highest point and it just made me a very good person, good intentions, just passive sweat but I knew in the back of my head I had low confidence and broken ego which is the main reason I knew I couldnt grow in my spiritual practice. I had really made effort to let go of athletic ideas bc it focused on this idea of ego, with me being sick I developed this, it is what is, I simply accept this bc I refuse to fight it, last few years I have been mad at myself thinking maybe if I was more drive, more confident all along then I wouldnt been so sick, I could done more sports… I realize now this  is just ego and foolish, truth my spiritual practice was the ground the earth and the thing that made me pure… I have been losing it last few years, my ego once slightly broken, now is just cracked, looked strong, I am more confident, but at what price. The people surrounding my life saw old me more as weak, new me more confident, reality is its just opposite, sure I lacked confidence, now I can adopt the I dont care, the focus drive, for what projection? The main goal why I got into spirituality is I was trying to prepare myself, recent years I started thinking maybe I had it all wrong, I blinded myself from years of soft work I did, sharper edgy, more ruff, more confident, more harder I became, more stubborn, more fixed, more lacking groundness, if anything last few years I needed therapy, had it and just as much i grew confident I had lot mental issues, breaking threw my anxiety, before everything was still deep under skin ego issues, anxiety but my skin was soft, thou I lacked confidence, got myself bad relationships, choose bad decisions, which i got hurt, I was so sweet, I see this now, see my goodness, I see what I was practing years of attending temple, 2016, years of training, just wanting so much to be grounded, I was grounded, thou I was flawed, I really was grounded, so proud of who I was… while I am proud of confidence I adopted in my entire life I never got to this point, I see if it at the price losing my spiritual practice it was never worth it.  I cant see slow my mind to meditate, I cant seem connect my heart, I can’t seem to say even know this surgery it was suppose to fix me and it didnt, that ok,, everything ok. Deep underneath my face, it a heart and mind that is extremely depressed, I just dont want to be anymore… I have say all my years of calling myself spiritual person all the years I did not have that, I conquered my demons, my dark demons… maybe I lacked voice but hell I was secretly happy, I felt like had had super human powers, now I feel like the biggest fool. I try to run, social media, watch it and post, old me was so past that, I lacked any attachment for that type validation or attention, my mind was on how can I make myself so grounded, that nothing can get at me, I failed..life got at me, way before my surgeries, stalking, ex, the crap, disappointments, years of building mask, probably hurting other people because last few years I was hurting…losing my wings I suppose… darker verison of myself.. I am more real with myself, very self aware right now… since surgery, since recently I am aware… who I was in every chapter of my life, every bad and good…whys and why nots.. I spent so much time focusing on everyone else, focusing on why cant they be, getting annoyed at how they just aren’t, when really I should have from start focused on myself.. My anxiety is really low right now, which I realize how badly it has in all chapters of my life really did me wrong…  even my last entry my anxiety over my stress my friend and what what… reality is I should be focusing on myself.. On larger scale accepting but also reflecting, shadowing, just be in full isolation… that is a dark place, very dark place… I just need sit here, in this place I see the light I had all along, the light that has been dimmed…  I can’t begin to tell you how magical it felt few years ago, how I feel I lack that badly, I am so depressed over my health, I am still going bathroom all times, very reason I had surgery, I have certain pains make no sense… I could fight it, I feel maybe I need accept it, I am not sure I can afford another hospital bill explain something is seriously wrong, no one listening… this is my idea of hell.. I try pee I have this horrible pain shooting all up my ribs, my ribs going explode, that never every happen, it not my kidneys, I seriously want to die this just sucks… I dont want go back on gabapentin, I am scared… I seriously dont want my best friend, my ex or any person, not even my mom in my life.. I am just so fucking depressed over this new issue… I cant get hold my doctor, I have his cell what the point? I am not sure anyone listening, CAT scan didnt show anything.. pelvis floor issue, that not so bad can explain some of this…

One thing have physical issue but another to have mental issues.. There is many people with cancer out there, which is far more serious then my reality ever was, one girl on fb posted how proud she is of her friend a fighter, that a true fighter.. Yea I had fight on smaller scale, but I didnt win, will it lead to another surgery, lead to answer, cure, another few years of hell…  truth is for so long I have been focus on this, losing my mind, now I realize…the mind has always been more important then the body. In high school I was very healthy, I wasn’t healthy child, my years of running, by far healthiest and most depressing years of my entire life, I had severe depression, anxiety, autistic learning issues… many stories very very dark, which suicide was in top of my brain. College, few years in after getting help, after really hitting bottom, getting up, i did the work, I was so fucking happy, so happy, andI was sick out of my mind, started all health issues. I hate people say these issues are linked they aren’t…

This year I was suppose to be healthy after this surgery I was promised this, I feel like a fool… my sex drive my womanly features, my ability to be who I always was will change, I dont get my periods, I will go thru menaupause soon, this is just what it is.. very dark experience, if I had my spiritual practice I would have secret light which dont matter what ever could ever happen nothing would break me.. that what it was to me, having my religion, have the religion I had, it was magical… it was more then idendity, it was something I could wrap myself in, I cant tell you how many times in my 20’s and 30’s… that I practice or read something and I felt this nice feeling over my anxiety… my youth was suppose to be of many experiences to which I would always have broken ego, because of that it didnt matter how much light I never have magical powers overall, people or experiences had control over me, I finally after this last surgery, i experienced something I never have in my entire life, I saw my ego I didnt hide it, and i learned to just simply not give a shit, idea darren and my mom tried explain to me million times, teach me not be anxious, as i was laying in bed after my surgery thinking i was going to die, i realized i just dont fucking care about anything, this is it, I am going to die… since that…well that was liberating.. my entire life I have mind fuck shit out of everything, looked at every little detail… in that moment, i thought ok this sucks.. I just dont care to focus on anything , nothing matters… I am not sure i ever could do that, with my years spirituality I knew I needed to learn that, some how if i did maybe…just made I would have never gotten dark last few years, my life still isnt as dark as HS..never was there ever dark period of time.. grief will do that.. I was too young experience that kind of lost, to point last few years bad relationships or jobs, or anything i yell at myself is this as bad as that, no , get over it.. you got this.. haha  I was so autistic in my youth so scared, so anxious, to be used way I was, touched, hurt.. ugh just horrible…person hurt me years later said he had horrible karma cried for me forgive him, only for him be asshole again, I guess some people unlike myself spend entire life being asshole to different degrees never learning to be better human. I can honestly say though I am seriously flawed, have self work, I never ever was a monster to anyone in this life, I for sure made mistakes, I see very clearly even in the worst people mistakes I made.. I see my good all along, even hs I had a focus, that where i got it… focus should have been placed with spiritual..

I think other thing has me going is I can see future, i had a bad dream I would have bad work day I woke up and had bad work day, i use to be able see future years ago 9/11 and my ex before killed himself, i didn’t see details but I felt it..I was good, as year progressed it was off and on, spiritual practice brought it back, then last few years it all went away, until recently… I know my mom is sick, i feel it… she says she isn’t I feel it.. I am not sure..it darkest part..I am not strong or healthy, I dont have…maybe last few years tried break me so I could come to face with how far I am behind in this moment, to be able to handle what is to come..

Once got very mad at myself I looked at picture of 2002 I said you idiot, why would you be so depressed, so much was going to get good, you did what you did… you fool, i find myself in a dark place again, I need remind myself, that maybe great come, how could there be if I dont have most important human on earth? also this belief my faith that if you leave, you will go back into even worst life… you need to awaken, deal, learn see reality better.. That really has my head going, rather then take everything as bad, I need reinvent, resee life, rechange way I deal, refix… just get up and do this entirely different, fuck being angry, fuck being so focus on how life did me wrong…maybe everything is perfect way it went down, maybe I need see glass half full, this is just great, i done great…see this dark force I have been beaten down that really not helping me, my spirituality never brought me down, it was the light.. it help fix that..  everything is great, great how it happen…

I think Mark has very dark energy, like when I had sex I caught dark energy std…his stress I feel is dark energy, I hate it..  sex with georgie was never as good but at least light energy..I just have little sex drive work with but it would help get rid of dark energy std… a girl usually has light energy not all time thou..maybe chant.. I will say Luigi guy I def think is hot as hell.. I am not working like me..ah it is just as it is…my feelings so hurt thou, few people act like my life is over talk about this.. as if that is far.. then again back in the day old me would have said, does it matter what they say, what going on, does any of it mean anything, no , you give nothing, I mean nothing power, so therefore.. it cant hurt you.. you give your attention focus attachment to your faith, your faith will never ever ever let you down..  I let it down by walking away, broken egos and figuring out myself…my religion never gave up on me..