health

I have changed lot. I really am seeing giant changes in myself. Not something I am trying to change just am changed. Something about surgery changes you, this serious being the most serious surgery I ever had has drastically changed me. My first surgert 2003 I was 20 years old and I had cyst removed and I did change, I never was into spirituality and I was athletic and my brain just woke up entirely different, last year I was 41 ovarian cyst again and turns out found endo and removed a ovary and tube and I woke up with more athletic mind set haha This year 41 and nearly around same time as last year, I have hysterotomy they left one ovary and my appenix was about burst endo stage 4, my intestines was covered which explains why at times i was going bathroom 14 times in hour and they went in and out my bladder, I have had bladder issues going back since 2003, my bladder, my cult da sack which nerves on why I had tremors waking up to pee for last 20 years was covered so bad MRI scan showed it, my ureter this year and last year was covered, last year kink which explains why my kidney levels were off. This year I was peeing again 30 times, sometimes 1-5 hour on toliet, my ex Mark said he counted 20 times i woke him up in pain, he went bathroom very concerned. I thought maybe i was going drop dead on the toilet which is my worst nightmare. Andenmyosis is actual more so then endo..my uretus has been causing my bladder issues, so they said I still wonder if I have iC which is what I was told. Since surgery I ended up hospital again 6 days after, i thought I was having bladder retention, the hospital saying my intestines swollen, they admitted me, gave me antibotics then my doctor called said I dont have infection, I had major surgery endo removed my intestines, then after hospital I couldnt breath correctly had fever that would not go down, at this point where my mind went off, I thought alright I am going to die, this is it… I was struggling with surgery, my organs still swollen, I cant breath right robot surgery on my lungs, fevers not go away, all my life all fever I ever had I took tynelo and fever gone, this time it just wouldnt break easy, I almost went back to hospital, nightmare continues now rather then tremors I had burning jolt electric feeling waking up pee 4-7 times, I get tested I have UTI step B, regular antibotics dont work, they give me Pencillin and it works, few days later comes back, doctor stales.. recepitionist doesnt like me, I am pissing out blood, my old doctor refuses to see me, my very old urologist yells at me in office, I finally get antibotics beg for Pencillin and I feel better then again jolt pain, doc says this nerve damage, gives me Gapentin.. at this point I finally start feel good, I am like 75% to 90% good at times… my anxiety calms down… I am drugged up on this Gabapentin and sitting on my lungs, I cant run on this, my personality changing, it helping me deal with my anxiety in ways I needed for years.. but at same time I am feeling like I am on pot, I just dont like this drug, dont trust long term use, my stepdad thinks I am going yell at him he says go off this crap instead I say your right, he confused, I said yep I am listening but I need go off it slowly I cant hurt my job, by christmas I go off, at this point my bladder is weak, I have issue I rarely have, as side effect going off, oh on gapaten I was waking up 1-3 times at night dream come true.. years of waking up 3-30 times… it was nice sleep. now it back 3-7 times.. sucks… I am going try supplement Gaba see if it will be different.. I am on supplements, curcumin helping me not great but i like it. not as great gapentin with bladder.

This entire experience has mentally cracked me, I am not normal, I am feel very very depressed, my hormons might be off..  at times i dont feel depressed but numb, just have lack interest in caring…lead to my next entry