My Christmas Wish

Every year for Christmas I allow myself a little wish. Last year I wished for my dad to be healthy, he is aging rapidly and having some medical issues but still going strong. This year I may be wishing for the impossible. I wish my husband would change. Now I know that sounds kind of selfish and I feel a bit guilty even typing it out but after 16 years I fear I have reached a point that it officially bothers me.

There’s a lot I want to change. Firstly I want him to get his drinking under control. I wish he would get therapy or find a way to regulate how much he drinks because right now its either all or nothing for him. He will either not drink at all or drink every drop of alcohol in the house even if its my stuff. I wish he would consider my feelings when he makes his choices, just think about it even a little bit such as “will the outcome of my actions effect other people in the house in a negative way?” or “she has to work in the morning i probably shouldn’t get blacked out and yell all night keeping her awake”

I want him to purposely go out of his way to make me feel good or appreciated. Maybe make me dinner one night, or even just stand in the kitchen with me while I make dinner so its not so lonely. I want him to say “don’t worry honey, ill take care of that!” or “let me take some tasks off your plate so your not so stressed out”. Instead I get the guilt trip, instead of  “how can I help” I get “your emotions are upsetting and seeing you stressed out bothers me so please keep yourself under control”

I want effort. I want him to treat me like someone special on mothers day or my birthday, I want him to go out of his way to appreciate me at least on the days that are specifically for that.. I want him to do things he knows will make me happy like let me listen to the music I like out loud or maybe even offer to give me a massage (I know I’m reaching big here..) or write me a cute note or offer to come with me to the grocery store or offer to help me do all his lunch meal prep. Instead I remain in the kitchen alone as usual. I’m only 35 and I really didn’t imagine my life being this way, and what’s worse is now I’ve become a pathetic person who craves even the slightest bit of feeling valued by anyone.  I’m expected to do everything and not complain or be tired or upset or depressed but I’m only human and the more I give and give to my family the less of me there is.

At the end of the day I know how selfish and crazy I sound wishing to change someone I love but its just a fantasy…