Confused..

My husband likes to drink. He does not possess the ability to know when to stop or know when he has had too much which often leads to him getting very very drunk and saying or doing things he will regret. In the past he has wrecked things in our house, wrecked the inside of my car and we have had several close violent encounters however thankfully I was able to talk my way out of it or get away safely. I love my husband dearly and he is a good guy but when he gets drunk he turns into what I like to call “Dr. Husband”. When he gets to this stage of drunk he likes to pick out all of “my problems” and try to have a therapy session where he tries to talk about my shortcomings and whatnot. Now this wouldn’t be a problem if he had a genuine problem with my actions or personality and we just talked about it together when he is sober but that never happens.

our most recent argument started off with him saying that he can see I’m miserable and that i hate my life. while this isn’t true, his drunken escapades do stress me out and make me confused because they often come with a great deal of him talking about me and requesting changes. He used to say “a drunken word is a sober thought” saying that everything he says has a molecule of truth behind it (i disagree entirely) so i used to try and listen to his drunken rants to try and find out what was really bothering him but in the end it always was just nonsense. the next day he always tells  me he doesn’t even remember what he said and he ends up apologizing profusely and I usually forgive him.

He has also stated in the past that i complain too much (he means if I’m ranting about work or mention anything negative at all) so I’ve tried to be aware of what I’m talking about but apparently its made me seem closed off. When he was drunk he said I never talk to him and i pointed out that i do talk to him just not about everything because he has expressed that he did not like that. So now I’m confused do i talk or not?

He also said that I make his life too easy and he has no incentive to do anything better or more because i take care of him too well so why should he. I told him I do those things out of love, because i want to be a positive addition to his life and i want to be a good partner but since he has expressed that he doesn’t appreciate it i just don’t know what to do anymore. the next day he told me he didn’t mean it but it still lingers in my head.

he always wants me to just forgive him and move on like nothing happened and i get that people say dumb stuff when they are drunk but it just sticks in my mind and i cant make it disappear. He says over and over that he didn’t mean it and he didn’t know what he was talking about and that i should just forget it but i cant!!

this is not the first time he has said this kind of stuff to me. usually it starts out with him criticizing me for a while and if I don’t sit there and listen he gets angry or violent. i cant leave the house because if i do he will automatically break all my things or break anything in the house. He has triggers that i am very careful to avoid. once i placed my hand on his arm to try and get his attention while he was ranting at me and that was a huge mistake. he grabbed my hand and twisted my fingers back and threatened to break them. I dropped to my knees and BEGGED him over and over to let me go and thankfully he did.

i had recorded our latest argument and let him listen to it a few days later. he asked me why i was even engaging with him when hes like that and i tried to explain but he just doesn’t get it. he doesn’t get what its like for me to have to deal with him like that he just thinks i should be able to brush it off and act like nothing happened.

its to the point that when he starts drinking i automatically get anxious and my heart starts racing and i get so worried about what’s going to happen. if i bring this up he gets upset and says I’m making him feel bad. i asked what i could do in the future to avoid an argument and he said i should “show him my boobs” and that would “snap him out of it” but I’m hesitant.. he sometimes does try to be intimate with me while hes drunk like that but he is usually unable to “perform” after drinking so much. This makes him very very angry and he usually picks a fight and spirals into a self hatred rant that goes on for hours.

I’m so lost and confused.