Overthinking: My Own Worst Enemy

The title says it all. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to getting inside my head and absolutely overthinking anything & everything. It’s so frustrating.

You could say things with Tom have been going well. Thanks to my work schedule I had a ton of days off in a row from my second job. As I can work from anywhere he mentioned I could go there. I instantly agreed and ended up spending Sunday – Monday there. Eight Nights.

We did Thanksgiving with his family. The food was amazing. They played games after dinner. It was pretty great. I offered to help in the kitchen and his mom simply told me, “this year you get to be a guest, next year we’ll have a job for you…”. My first thought – next year? We’re planning for next year already? Afterwards we went to the movies with his son and his girlfriend. Again, pretty freaking great day.

He’s in love with my bird and she’s even more in love with him. So she came for all 8 days too. More comments – When it’s summertime I’ll take you outside he says to the bird. Summertime? Like we will still be something come summer?

His daughter made the comment of he better be able to make me his wife or he’s got no hope of ever having a wife as I’m the best he’s found. Then she complained she was worried he’d do something & I’d give up on him as he ruins everything (gotta love the age where you think every issue in the world is your parents fault). I assured her currently he’s given me no reason to leave and even if he did I’d always be up for being someone she could talk to. He’s told me she always refers to any girl he even tries to date as “are you going with your ho” and I’ve got a name and she likes me which is crazy but great.

Over the weekend we went to his son’s hockey games. Introduced me to his kids’ “aunt”. More time with his parents. Dinner with his son after.

We’ve planned a trip to watch the Packers/Vikings Game and hit up NHL hockey for New Years Eve. Today he sent me the picture of the hoodie he wanted for the game when I order what I want. So he’s definitely taken the time to plan for the game and sounds excited for it.

It all sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Like he actually likes me. Some might say he likes me a lot as we’ve done the family thing, holiday, kids sports, dinners. Pretty promising?!?!

It might sound promising to anyone but me. I’ve been home 12 hours. In that time the doubt has already crept in. Maybe he doesn’t like me that much? Maybe I overstayed my welcome? Maybe he’s just being nice to me? Maybe he’s sick of me? Maybe he’s realized I’m too much? Maybe he was just nice to me because I was there? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

It’s ridiculous. I know I get in my head. My therapist calls it self sabotaging and the lies I tell myself. I constantly return to believing I’m not good enough, nobody likes me, etc. It’s frustrating. So frustrating.

The realistic me that I try to bring myself back to says there’s no way in hell he’d do everything he did if he didn’t like me. He wouldn’t be planning a trip with me if he didn’t like me. The overthinking me feels everyone is always waiting to escape and abandon me. So much self doubt.

I hate it. I hate the people that have turned me into this. Made me never feel good enough. Made me convinced everyone will abandon me. Despise it. Hopefully he calls tomorrow and likes me as much then as he did yesterday.

Speaking of his daughter… So she messaged me tonight and wanted me to convince her dad to let her stay at her boyfriends. No. Not happening. He won’t be talked into it by me. She’s upset. Her dad doesn’t care and was mean about it and she’s never going home because he was rude. That my sweet friend isn’t an option.

She then asks if I can come get her and she can come stay with me instead. I tell her that her dad has to agree. She’s gotta do her online schooling stuff. I’ll put her to work babysitting. Etc. She’s fine with all that but she doesn’t want to go home just to be alone for days on end while her dad works 24/7 and her brothers at hockey. Fair enough.

I feel for the kid. She’s got nobody. A dad that works a lot. A brother that’s always at school or hockey. She’s doing online schooling so no social life. Grandparents aren’t accepting of her. Bio mom deserves awful karma after the shit she pulled on Thanksgiving and then texts the kid that wanted to see her all kinds of bullshit being the victim. She really needs someone in her corner. And she really reminds me of me at her age. Her dad thinks she’s just being a jerk. Nah, she talks a good talk but behind that tough exterior is a hurt little girl with so much trauma and rejection. He simply said I was probably right and he’d agree with that.

So, I texted and told him I’d steal his daughter for awhile. We then talked and he easily agreed. If she’s here she’s safe and not just out doing whatever with her boyfriend. She’s mad at him anyways so she might as well be somewhere that she’ll actually talk to someone. It’s impressive she reached out and even wants to hang out with someone he’s seeing. So we agreed I’d pick her up tomorrow and see how long she lasts with me. She won’t like the rules and need to do homework, etc. So I only give her the week and she’ll want to go home by Saturday. We will see.

Yet again, obviously he must like me if he’s willing to let his daughter stay with me. But yet again, I go back to the worried girl waiting for the bottom to fall out.

Maybe that’s why I connect so well with his kid – We’ve both got the trauma parts that just need someone on our corner. Yet all we know is people leaving & not stepping up.