Work
I can’t seem to do it today. Something has a hold of my heart and head and it’s dragging me down. I have a little down time at work, the reason I can post, but I don’t know if it’s doing more bad than good.
I can’t shake the sad today. Did I not spend enough time with the boys? Is my life such an aimless mess? Do I hate myself? Do I want to live?
I’m in the back room where I’m doing the stores order and I just can’t shut it down. The thoughts.
When I get out of work, should I guilt my kids to spend time with me? Do I let them live their lives without worrying about me? I will see them tomorrow, so should I just go home, drug up and sleep?
I just don’t want to be alone tonight.
Whenever I’m down, I look to poetry. This short poem by Gwendolyn Brooks, “Speech to the Young: Speech to the Progress Toward (Among them, Nora and Henry III) always speaks to me. BTW, Nora and Henry III are her two children.
Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
“Even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night.”
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.
Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along.
I like that final couplet: “Live not for the end of the song, Live in the along.” I think it’s about “overthinking” our lives, and that there’s no way to know if we’re doing it “right” or “wrong.” We should just “live in the along” and see where things go. I’m sure you’re a much better father than you think, and maybe taking small steps will make your relationship with your sons better.
@ravdiablo thank you
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