I need space

I have been very stressed out lately, but I watched a movie last night, got hair cut  and I feel little better. I still woke up last night in lot pain, have bags over my eyes.

I have been thinking about those I dated, those I had relationship. I need break right now I am mentally not strong enough play games. I still have feeling for Mark. He has been texting me here and there find out how I am doing. I am still also very hurt on what he did few months ago, I also regret what I did few years ago…I have been thinking about him lot. I was dating this guy Dan, he turned out to be trumper and jerk… he lied to me that he was trumper which is far worse then are poltical differences… he lied. I am angry. I dont feel like talking to my close friend, I am not mad at her, I asked her for space, she just didn’t respect bountry I asked from her, I told her I would talk to her after her trip. She has no idea what this seizure was like and how my body is struggling, I am mentally so challenged by this. She keeps conpairing it to my prior surgery or to her surgery which is really hurtful and avoidant, and she wasn’t there once again I needed help, I needed someone during this process. I am hurt but I also know I am not complete right for being hurt, so I want create space, so I can figure out my situation, yet she ignored me when I said I will talk to her when she gets back. She wants brag about how exciting everything is for her, meanwhile I feel like dead zombie, my body feel rip in every direction, something about my uretrus being taken out, my bowel and bladder being surgery on, my organs shifted, my brain not same, hormons off, my sleep is off. I feel bit depressed I am trying to fight it, she want talk, about this stuff when I am not ok, it really just hurts.. Maybe I am wrong for not being direct in what I am stressed over, yet I asked for space she wrong not listening too me… I will be more direct tell her once again I will talk to her when she gets back…

I feel like when Mark talks to me, I dont feel belittled, if anything he just keeps asking questions, you ok, you alright… I need find peace from everything, I have idea what can help, I need stop social media and stop focusing on what going on…just kind of zone it out, I feel bad about that, I want to do right thing be there, do things to help, I feel helpless. I can’t even function…

I really just need space from everything, only person I wish was in my space was Mark, but I am too scared to tell him, i dont want get hurt again.. he hurt me so bad few months ago when I said way I feel. I also feel like he looks down on me, I really need someone see me as equal.  I appreciate him being there thou.

I am very very angry at my doctors, my recent doctor promised me I would sleep at night, granted I am not waking up 30 times to pee, I am not chronic pain from endometriosis, I am mad