Afraid
Tonight I’m afraid. Afraid that life has gotten ahead of me this time. Too much ahead that I won’t, can’t recover.
The wind is blowing outside really bad and all I can think of is the snow it will bring. This winter may be the end of me. Not saying this lightly, I legitimately feel like I may end up freezing to death stranded in my truck somewhere between here and somewhere.
Yes I have lost a lot of faith in myself these past several months. Maybe my truck will surprise me and pull through.
My son is home from college for the holiday and I want to drive him back next weekend, but I’m afraid to. Afraid that not only will I get stuck, I will with him and put us both in danger.
These thoughts are all just crowd my head and won’t stop. I’ve spent time with my sons today and watching mindless dribble on TV. Eating my feelings. Breathing and trying distract anyway possible and here I am again thinking on possibilities that haven’t even happened yet.
Okay, sounds like your anxiety is getting the best of you tonight and your fears are real. So make a plan to address your fears to ease the anxiety. Make a plan for everything you fear will happen with your truck. Stuck in snow? Be sure you are dressed appropriately and pack a blanket, boots, mittens, water and food. Call 911 for help. Flat tire? Make sure the spare is filled. Your son is an adult now, he will help you if the truck breaks down. And unless you live in the Yukon Territory, I’m pretty sure you won’t freeze to death if the truck breaks down. I know you don’t believe it, but I truly think you are making progress.
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Are you open to thoughts/suggestions? I imagine you are if you are posting this here, but I also don’t want to make any assumptions about anything. Some folks just write to get it the heck out of them. That alone can be liberating and helpful.
A couple of things you’ve said have stuck out more than the rest, although I did carefully read and then re-read your post. And while I know didn’t ask, I’m going to leave you with at least this much:
I think you are courageous to post and open it up for potential dialogue. That part can be hard. You’re acknowledging areas that may be problematic or that you think aren’t quite right. That takes bravery and self-awareness. You also have a clearly great deal of consideration for your kiddos. That speaks monumentally of you. And you also are enough of a great parent to think ahead for potential pitfalls. Only those that genuinely care are capable of that.
If you ask me, that is quite a lot of positive strengths I can see in you, and we’ve never even met.
If you want to talk, I am a (in-training) crisis counselor and would love to talk stuff through with you.
Love & Respect,
Your Friend,
Odd Petunia
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