Redo-I miss the 90s
Getting older is so wild to me. I am 34 and I still feel like 19 years old. Still feel very uncertain about the direction my life is going. Still figuring out myself. It makes me think about people who marry or have children when they are really young, you’re still so lost in your 20s and change so much as you get older. I haven’t found the person I want to marry and honestly, I’m not looking, if it happens it happens if not no big deal, but so glad I haven’t made any huge life altering decisions like those when I was in my 20s. My 20s were really rough. Mental health wise and physical health wise. I was in no way ready for marriage or having a family. Kudos to people who can make it work. Even more so on their own.
Aging is just so wild. Mentally I feel very young but have some wisdom on things that has come with age. Yet my back and knees are killing me and I’m having menopause because of the hysterectomy. I’m young but dealing with older womans problems. My older sister said I just went from 16 and skipped years ahead, into things she hasn’t even experienced yet, she turns 50 next year. It’s so true though. Definitely would love to redo my youth with the knowledge I have now. I would love to redo the 90s.
Society puts so much pressure on women to be doing certain things by certain ages and if you don’t, you’re a loser. I totally hate and disagree with their reasonings. Society in general. It’s not all black and white anymore. I think their reasoning is maybe outdated or actually it’s just absurd. Not just on women. All I know is I’m 34 and I feel like I’m just now realizing who I am, just now starting to have backbone in what I want and like. Just now not caring about the opinions of others and it’s been liberating for me. I still have a lot I’m struggling with though, and it’s going to take time to sort things out. I am learning a lot about people and myself, but there’s a lot I still don’t have much knowledge about or experience in. I’ve never been in love or experienced a physical relationship with someone. I’ve never traveled outside the country or even been on an airplane. Theres a lot I need and want to discover, sometimes in life we feel we have to race to experience everything, or to just feel grown up, but I’m patient and I truly believe that what is meant for me will happen in its own time and when I feel truly ready. Not because people think you should have done something by now because you’re in your 30s.
Life is just a long journey full of twist and turns and that so scary. Another thing I hate about aging is seeing how much my parents have aged. They’re in their 70s now and can’t do as much and they still feel young in their minds like I do and have hard time accepting they can’t do what they once could. It’s sad and depressing and I dread the day I lose them. Not knowing when, is very concerning. Not knowing if/how I’ll be able to handle the stress and grief of it all. My imagination runs wild sometimes, that probably how I’m able to write different kinds of stories. I spend most of my days maladaptive daydreaming. My imagination feels so real I have to remind myself it’s all make believe. My anxiety along with that gets the best of me because I’ll imagine all these different scenarios of how I’ll lose them. I think I do this as a way to prepare myself, it’s like a coping mechanism. You can never truly prepare for something like that and I’m aware of this. Things are going to happen as we age that’s out of our control and all you can really do is take each day as it comes and cling to your faith and your close friends or family to get you through.
I often think too about how it would be nice to go back in time and be a kid again. Do over my life differently, curious how the outcome would be. I would have asked for more help in school. Maybe not have had my first kiss with that one guy. Not have given up too quickly with college. Been more adventurous. Not let my families’ opinions dictate a lot of my decisions, because I was afraid of letting them down or how they would view me. Wish everyone could have a redo button. Plus, I really miss the 90s. These are the things I ponder on late at night its 2:30 am and I’m wishing it was 1998 and I am 8 years old, lying in bed wondering what my future will be like.
Well kid you’re in your 30s and life is honestly just starting.