One Month of Dating or Whatevershipping Updates…..
I was so damn happy when I woke up yesterday. It’s amazing how quickly happiness can be shattered by a few simple words and the loss of someone amazing.
*Sigh* – I was going to write a happy post tho. So I’m still going to try. I’m happy. I’m just sad too. But damn it I want to document the happy and good….:
Where do I begin?
Today is one month since our first date……
I like Tom. A lot. Still. I’m still scared of the bottom falling out. Of him not liking me as much. Getting attached to someone who runs away from me. Everyone runs. I’m always too much. I really hope this isn’t the same thing.
He says it isn’t. He laughs when I say I’m too much and to tell me when I need to chill. He holds me tighter at night when I’m overthinking and feel I’m too needy. He kisses me good morning when I worry he’ll leave without a word. He calls when he says he’s going to. He spends hours on the phone with me. He simply lays there and smiles at me. When I ask why he simply says, “nothing” and smiles more.
Am I his girlfriend? Idk. He hasn’t asked. I haven’t asked. We just kind of slowly entered this whatevership which has definitely grown into a situationship. Is it a relationship? Are we together like that? Am I supposed to ask that? I have no idea how this works at 40. So, for now, I’m just kind of hanging out and seeing where it goes.
He really did come to town like he said he would. Not Tuesday as he ended up working, but Wednesday. We had a nice afternoon together grabbing a late lunch and some drinks. Then we went and sat in the hot tub. Than a late dinner. Bed. And he had to leave for work at 3 am. I’m not used to people keeping their word. I honestly didn’t expect he’d show up. At all. So I was impressed it gave me more faith he really does like me.
Last week I went there – Got there Friday night and stayed until Tuesday afternoon. He worked the entire time so I just hung out during the day and worked remote like I always do. Cleaned his house. Did his laundry. Got groceries and made dinner each night to have ready when he got home. Hung out with his kids some. It was nice. So nice. Having a “family” to do things for – like laundry & cooking. Having someone to fall asleep next to and be woke up with a goodbye kiss each day.
I miss that. So much. I was meant to always have a house of kids and a significant other. I’m far more wife material than “just” girlfriend material. I like doing all the things. Going home was rough as I honestly wanted to stay. But having two jobs means I can’t work remote forever and have to show up for the second job. Overall, we had a really good time.
My bird has fallen in love with him. Deeply. Madly. In love. It’s ridiculous. She loved him when he visited so he had me bring her and the extra cage with to his place. I ended up leaving her there as she’s so freaking happy with her life and I’ll get her next week. It’s amazing to me as she hates everyone. The only person she liked was my ex-husband. My daughter pointed out that he’s a LOT like my ex in looks, clothing, same job so same smells, etc. That really could be it. It’s bizarre though. For sure. She never likes anyone. But she really doesn’t like anyone that fast. Maybe it’s a sign? (Or huge coincidence.)
I currently plan to go back Saturday late afternoon and come back the following Sunday. 8 nights. I’m excited but my anxiety and voices in my head are getting the best of me. For sure.
It’s far easier for me to go there because of the kids. I mentioned I could come that week as my second job is closed all week. He said yes as long as he could still play his game some. I laughed. Of course. With that many days I don’t expect or want to be up your ass the whole time. Like I’m good to do my own thing. We were talking Tuesday night and he says – you’ll be back in a few days. Right? Yeah. Of course. So obviously he wants me there. Right?
Now I’m in my head that maybe he doesn’t want me there. Maybe I’ll overstay my welcome. Maybe it’ll be awkward. Maybe he’ll wish I left sooner. Maybe he’ll get sick of me. Maybe I’m too much. Maybe he’s too nice to just tell me. Maybe I invited myself? Maybe being there for Thanksgiving isn’t a great idea. Maybe he doesn’t really want me to meet his family or go to his sons hockey games.
Yeah, so many negative thoughts. It wasn’t awkward for 4 nights. He never once asked or hinted at me leaving. If anything, he hinted at me returning. He never complained about my presence. We flowed seamlessly for the evenings, each doing our own things but things together. It was like normal family nights at home. I know it’s in my head and “self sabotaging thoughts” says my therapist. But it’s still really hard to accept someone could like me AND want me around. Has anyone ever truly wanted that?
I’m back to severe anxiety and almost panic attacks about going. Thinking about cancelling or pushing it back a few days. This happened last week too. I had mass meltdowns until I was there and he kissed me when he walked in from work. And then everything felt okay. Idk. I hate my brain.
We spend hours on the phone every day. All talking these days with few texts. He’s got to like me. Being there would be easier. I’m just being stupid. I hate all the people that came before him and made me think I was too much and not worth being around as it’s really fucking with my head now. Badly.
I’ve met both his kids and now had more time with both. His son is nearly 16 and pretty much perfect. Great hockey player. Gets up early for practice. Goes to school and does well. Comes home to go to bed at a decent time. The kid is definitely the “favorite” by all family members. Which makes me kind of sad but we’ll get to that. He’s super polite and respectful from what I see. We talked way more this time. Not a lot but more and he was very polite and nice. I’m anxiously looking forward to his hockey game and hope I’m invited. (Why wouldn’t I be? I know. Stupid head.).
His daughter is nearly 15 and absolutely the black sheep. He tells me what a handful she is and boy she is. Under her tough facade I see a little girl that’s had far too much trauma crying out for love and attention. She does whatever she wants with no regard to any rules. Basically pushing for a reaction. She talks mad shit. She’s totally disrespectful. Currently refusing to go to school and wants to change to all online which they’re working on. His family doesn’t seem to acknowledge her existence while they favor his son. He mentioned that the son has spent years building bridges while the daughter has spent years burning them. I feel like she pushes to see who will leave and they all do. I hate it.
She 100% reminds me of – me. It’s almost like looking in a mirror. A beautiful, smart girl who would succeed hugely if she’d put all her negative energy and stubbornness into a good cause.
We talked while I was there and she’s been texting me all day. The short version is – she wants a baby. Yes, almost 15 and her dream is to be a mother and have a reason to live. She wants her baby to be her consistent person, to love her and be her best friend. It’s so fucking sad. I talked openly about my own childhood and teen years. That I was pregnant at 15 and I too wanted someone to love me. I thought my baby would do that. But she didn’t. It was so hard. Exhausting. Lonely. G acknowledged she knows it’ll be hard but she wants that little baby that’ll make her happy. I tried for a long time to convince her otherwise, reason with her, offer solutions. One being I’d take her to get birth control and she could wait 6 months and stop it if she truly felt she still wanted to be a teen mom. Hoping she’d do the bar in her arm and wouldn’t get it taken out. She’s deadset she isn’t doing that. She admitted she isn’t being safe. But she thinks this new boyfriend is different. Will be a great dad. Will support her.
In the end, I told her I understood there was no convincing her otherwise but if she ever wanted to talk more about it or anything else or reconsider. Or if she was already pregnant and needed support she could always reach out. (I think it’s possible she is by how she was talking.) She thanked me and then spent a bit on a rampage about how she hopes her dad doesn’t screw things up with me as she thinks he screws everything up and if anyone can be his wife it’s me and if we don’t work out he’ll never get a wife as I’m the best one she’s met. Seriously. I assured her we were nowhere near me being his wife, things were fine and if they ever aren’t I’d still be happy to listen and give her female input. I mentioned the next time I’m there we can go out for lunch or dinner and visit. She replied with she’d like that. I really hope this girl isn’t pregnant and doesn’t get pregnant soon. She’s got no real idea how hard it’ll be. Especially with her lack of support system.
Of course, I told her dad. I’m big on building trust and keeping things between us when it comes to teens but in the same breath he needed to know her game plan of online school (to be at the boyfriends 24:7 for it) and the pregnancy goal. He was pretty much speechless and had no idea that’s what she was truly hoping for. He agreed he wouldn’t confront her on it. It’ll do no good but would attempt to put his foot down more when it comes to her running around and the boyfriend. I’ve suggested maybe trying harder to connect with her too. Being a single dad to a girl and working long hours would no doubt be hard. But something has to change. And this girl needs to feel loved. I really like the disrespectful jerk of a girl. Hopefully she’ll really want to get dinner or lunch with me next week or this weekend. I simply pray she gets some sense before she’s 15 & pregnant.
So yeah, that basically covers it.
I’m scared of liking him too much. I’m scared of being too much. I’m scared of all of it.
I don’t know what we “are” but I guess his kids do introduce me to all friends as his girlfriend and he doesn’t correct them. We spend hours on the phone every day. We are making plans for the upcoming months and sometimes he even wants to talk about the what-if future and ask me where I’d move to with him. He’s made comments about little future things. When we’re together we live as if we’ve been doing it forever. So, I guess I’d say we’re closer to a relationship than a situationship? What does the rest of the world think?
I guess we’ll really see come Thanksgiving or Hockey – IF I go with him. And if so…. We’ll see how he introduces me and how he acts towards me during these events.
I need to quit overthinking. Badly.
Tomorrow I’ll post some tattoo pictures. It turned out amazing!! Now I must sleep. I can’t believe it’s already 1 am. Yuck.