Hey Anxiety

It’s going on 2 am and I’m on my 2nd panic attack today and since I can’t do anything to make is it disappear quickly, my usual tricks not working. I will just write. I love writing and it’s a good distraction. I have to find lots of tricks to deal with my severe anxiety. Meditation, hot essential oil baths, arts and crafts, lately I really like asmr cooking and baking videos.  I have a really soothing YouTube channel on called Under a Tin Roof that I subscribed to. She makes me want to bake and I love the cottagecore vibes. I been trying to identify what’s the source to my anxiety tonight and I think it’s a mixture of just uncertainty. My oldest sister is going to be getting married soon and we’re really close. I don’t know for certain if she will be moving out of the country or not. It’s up in the air for now and I hate change and not knowing what’s to come but my joy for her outweighs the fear.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for so long. I was the teen girl hiding in bathrooms at parties because I couldn’t handle all the people and noise and the social interactions. I still struggle with this. Course I didn’t know back then about social anxiety, didn’t know I was an introvert or that I had adhd, or that I’m an empath. Understanding more about this now makes a huge difference in how I can prepare more now. Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar 2, along with panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. In the early 2000s this wasn’t discussed like how it is now. My parents didn’t know much about mental health either. I find myself till this day educating them on different disorders.  I like that mental illnesses are discussed more openly now, but there’s still the stigma behind it.  It’s important to still do research and be kind and patient with everyone. Even more recently I found out I have bpd, and this addition has been harder for me to accept.

I’m very vocal about mental health and I truly think that the more we discuss it the more the stigma is lifted. more importantly we can uplift and encourage each other. I’m a girl’s girl and big on helping others. This world is so nasty and chaotic we need to be more loving and be kinder to each other. We don’t know everyone’s internal struggles. I hate seeing even strangers sad or upset, I feel deeply and take on people’s emotions very easily. I guess that the empath in me.

It’s a lot to do simple adult things. I still sit in my car for 20 minutes before going inside the store. I bring my ear buds everywhere. I have fidget spinners and other things to help me if I’m uncomfortable in social situations. Anxiety isn’t going anywhere so I just need to keep going and keep finding ways to cope and share whatever tips I learn along the way. This writing has actually helped me calm down so yay. Going to relax until I fall asleep. Hope everyone else can rest and relax as well.