Long Vent

I am going to start writing more. I have so much going on in my head and I am about to burst. I am stressed out of my mind. So many stories, so many factors of rage. I had a pretty serious surgery which involved few organs being taken out, few organs have major surgery on. Finding out that my appendix was about to burst and my ureter was clogged from endometriosis stage 4 which if it completely closed I would have lost a kidney. I am still having bladder and bowel issues, not as bad as prior to surgery. I had a moment where I finally understood the praise I dont give a shit, my entire life has been built on caring about every tiny detail, anxious out of my mind over every detain, this surgery I went in, it was 4 hours, went out, then 6 days later i was admitted to hospital again and my organs swollen, my bladder not working right, I left hospital, I got fever that would not break…I thought I am going back to hospital or I will lay on my bed and just die….maybe this is my life. At least I have parents that give a shit.

I hate trump, I am democrate who actual more moderate and in general I can stay in middle, I can have friends that republicans and agree with certain factors. I have never been that political and I respected George Bush, he was my president. I hate Trump, since the very start, I said he is not my president. For all those years I hated the fact I didn’t vote, being in blue state my vote wouldnt have matter. When I had vote this year I just got out surgery, was trying to figure out how, whole situation I had call bunch people to get mail in vote, change address to where my parents were. Now I just sit in so much stress and pain, my parents hate him more then me, we all looked like someone died in my parents house when we found out…

I was dating this guy Dan I actually really liked last months, I told him from day 1 I dont date trumpers, I date republicans that dont like trump… I date democrats, no one maga, we laughed said he hates that guy… he made few remarks short remarks on how he didnt like him. Then he devestated me recently couldnt even look me in the face, got annoyed I was bringing up politics even know on my profile itself it said I was political unlike when I was younger, I can’t not be political, I haven’t been able to not be poltical for years now… This is out and out war against me being female, all my rights, my voice is being shut down. I have been told last year by few stranger men that they would rape me, just for saying i feel safer with bears then men. I would rather die with bear biting me then a man raping me, I can’t explain enough to someone, you have no idea how many times in my entire life I have been oppressed by men, it all small fractions, meaning I was in abusive relationship for short time twice, my own mother exposed to me to my biological father for short time who hit her, who abused her but she got out, so when i see signs I am done. I saw strong woman do the same. My stepdad while he is verbally annoying and not perfect he never ever hit her or abused her on the level of danger that my bio dad was. I have been raped, I have lost a baby due to another monster, all in my younger years… As an adult, I have had very few bad serious involvements…I am proud of that… Sal cheated on me, thru something at me…but he never hit me, it was selfish but not monster like Frank and Tony… Mark is less selfish then me, Mark has gold of heart but he was mean to me few months ago because few years ago I made some big mistakes.. I have been SA few times, I have been harrassed many times, I have been stalked… I have had so many crazy situations… I can’t begin to tell you fear and anxiety and stress I have gotten from men trying to control me, trying dictate me… now I have president who thinks it ok. who is setting example it ok… I just been walking around feeling like maybe I just wish I did die… thank got I got hystercomy. Yes my surgery and waking up 30 times to pee and being in worst pain feeling like kidney stone, pressure so horrible. Things are not perfect but slightly better… I am waking up 2-6 times, emptying issues..anyways at least I can’t ever get pregant my worst fear, I dont want kids. Now I fear accidently dating a trumper..I can’t believe, Dan said to me he like he not so bad, I can’t date someone like you, I was like dude I told you from day one this was me, it was the most hurtful thing ever, if he said he was just not interested for something new he learned about me, I would be respectful be like oh ok…that cool…this was mean bc he knew this was me from the start, he went out to hurt me so bad… I am in rage with anger and hurt from it…

I think I drank cool-aid too. I hate trump, without question dont agree, can’t stand how he divides people, how he speaks… makes me sick..This whole getting rid of the board of education had me walking around like fucking crazy person…this is deepest rooted trama in my head.

Look I never daydreamed as child about marriage and kids, my bio dad at 5 scared shit out me, my mom pulled me out of it… I day dreamed of being scully from X-files… I wanted to be smart indepented woman who worked in office something in such who wasn’t tied down. I was child my mom was told I have severe developmental issues, learning disabilities and autism, Nero impared… elective mutism, selective mutism, perceptional impared… Someone in my family actually laughed said at age of 16 I would be on drugs and pregnant and fuck up smoking, I couldn’t I wouldn’t… I far surpassed what they were…it wasn’t easy it was by far one most fucked up experiences my life having these challenges, dylexica and obstables… of my own and then the obstables others gave me was by far worse.

Now I hear liberals say Department of educations protects IEP special education student…what the fuck are you talking about… I was fucked over…protection, protection, where? I had single most fucked up experiences nonstop as teenager, fucking up my confident to no ends… It is the source of pain, being told repeatly that your stupid as child and teen, repeatly looked down upon, not understood, and patronized ostracized by faculity who played god… I am telling you being raped and hit at by man, my bio dad small fraction small fraction, being stalked, being SA harrassed has been bad but small compared to my youth… I fucking hate hate HATE board of education… why, where do I start middle school, your not like your classmates, you can’t be mainstream, your not smart, your not on same level, I couldn’t stop getting nervous everytime I see someone in my own grade I put them on higher up then me… where as in 6th grade I was shy and autistic but talking and not anxious… I developed anxiety to degree I did because how bad my school system treated me… I understand my writing skills, learning, wasn’t desirable they really fucked up my confident… to no end.. it just kept getting worse worse. My teenage years by far worse years of my life, my entire adult years even the worse is easy when I compare.. I was oppressed.. 9th grade was best, I mean really really dark period, Mr. Zuzic said she will never ever go college, my dream was go college. She will never pass college prep classes, hardly pass main stream, she not capable… another special ed person said you should have many kids let men take care of you, dumb expression on my face, I was more feminist as child, I hated idea, my bio dad was fuck up, my mom worked 60 hours to feed me, he left her nothing, she telling me that I can depend on men, my stepdad is good man but my mom doesn’t depend on him, they are partners… anyways someone said shouldn’t take spanish i am not smart enough, another special ed said should consider being waitress or fireman, which honestly was stupid I was autistic and talking was struggle for me, one thing I couldn’t do… oh so I got into mainstream higher resource classes my mom and Mrs. Kloc said Mr. zuzic she could do it, I got honor roll, i developed severe anxiety attacks.. which also fed by other horrible experiences 9th , I actual remember some guy grabbing my ass without my ok, I just realized this now.. so many bad things, time a guy friend brought me in woods to make out pretended I didnt exist the next day… the guy I liked had good laugh when redneck upper classmate said she so ugly bring her in the woods and fuck her with a bad over her head, grudges…I am someone with serious grudges.. oh what else,I got into fight with redneck girl… fucking idiot was saying black people should be slaves, my mom raising me with a brain, I scream back at her, teacher said I would get in trouble she has freedom of speech, this school did not prepare me for real world. Those fucking special ed classes teachers were a joke, they played got taught back wood shut, 11th grade teacher tried read 3 little pigs, I went crazy, I said if you dont put me in college prep classes I am dropping out of HS… I got into 12th grade…and I passed just fine c/b and I respected learned more mainstream… little help, they actual taught real shit instead of stupid shit..I hate special ed, I never got any good experience. My last special ed director was only person I liked Mrs. Jacobs, she said to my mom your daugher is ver smart and has great future ahead of her, I am concerned about anxiety issues, she not really learning disabled, I see anxiety issue. I wish my mom and I would have listen to her more, she was right onto something would turn out to be very serious problem… if they focused on anxiety they would saw autism more clearly, why was no one focusing on the fact I wasn’t talking… I have social issues, communication issue, I was very autistic as teen.. not as adult..

Oh to make things worse… so after that guy in woods, few months later first real relationship this guy Rich, 2/3 months summer break… he helped me deal with that other guy, built my confidence, he broke up with me but It wasn’t all lost… what would be loss is 2 months later he killed himself, rumors all in 10th grade… watching his sister amanda in hallway on drugs, wearing necklace I bought him…

Movies to my highschool experience:

13 reason why…. I was Clay…. unlike clay who didn’t know Hanna was just friends, he was my boyfriend I knew everything all deep stories about his parent divorce, all this deep shit, I said nothing… I was scared.. I would go up to his sister and freeze.. When I ran outside I remember once on track I ran so fucking fast I ran my heart out, I watch his sister get high on the side of track, the pain was killing me that he was dead
1 mile to you– this movie is another very good movie about my hs last few years when I was one the best runners in the state I was dealing with worse case grief in my life, worse case anxiety, I was fucking depressed out my mind, i wanted die every single day… why if I am stupid I can’t go college, I cant be anything, just very deep cynical
Speak- about girl who deal with very bad rape situations which cause her stop talking, act very dissociated
Please stand by- autistic girl who can’t follow social norms get anxious and doesn’t understand things other would, cares about things that doesnt make sense. The experience is worse then I can write… my special ed and own guidance counselor refuse to help me get college, my cross country coach, oh my freshman year he said even know i was last runner I can still be great practice, gave me hope… and my junior year he helped me get into college which scholarship they had programs for people like me 2 which one was federal provided aid, and trump ban would hurt them when they were encouraging everything my hs wasn’t, they provided resources for me get testing assistance, while encouraging me my goals.When I started college I was extreme fucked up, appeared I was more fucked up then before, in truth everything I was hiding was coming out, I was acting out, bad relationship very bad man, then good guy I treated like crap, I just cracked up… I broke myself in pieces when I was 19… when I fell apart I was able to rebecome someone new… drinking, about to do drugs, I was feeling like I was going fuck up college, my mind was so fucked up, why did all these people in college telling me they believe in me, when my entire life they said I was fuck up.. i could not understand.. I was communicating, talking and being heard… I was silenced so long…

There is so many stories of experiences in my teens, lot of it was also me reacting with autism and anxiety… it was handled wrong. In college I was still autistic but was handled correctly, like education should have been… my experience is what my hs years should have been… that pisses me off more then you can imagine… I was young in college, I laughed lot, awkard I talked I tried talk, i felt accepted, friends, I made mistakes… I struggled, I was supported… I went to parties but didn’t make dark bad choices like my teens, more youthful smart fun choices, goofy fun mistakes.. I got high threw pennies at empty toll… I appreciate those years more then you can imagine.. it helped bandage lot bad..

My major I wanted to be in criminal justice, with my struggles and anxiety i realized it was bad idea… so I decided I wanted be history major took lot courses holocaust and progressive periods.. I wanted to be a teacher, then I had anxiety because my experience was so bad I did not want go back nor was I strong enough go back to evil monsters… I decided what I really want to do is get post graduate paralegal degree I want to work for a law firm that has lawsuit aganist the board of education. I wanted to destroy my high school, I wanted make teachers cry, I wanted to bring down special ed team. I was revengeful as fuck. when I graduated college and went post grad degree I wrote a letter to board of ed my hs and they wrote letter from lawyer back to me once again bringing me down. years later many years later I found out Mr. Zuzic who I wrote in that letter about he was force to pension that same year or year later. haha

I couldn’t find job in the field, I did apply, maybe now, thou I have been in banking, like banking, worked myself up hard in banking for years.

When I look back, I realize what they were dealing with, they were focusing on my testing and writing skills being bad, when I had ability to improve, I have throughout the years thanks to my college, they weren’t focusing on which I wish they did focus on my communication skills being that bad… I wish someone sat me down try figure out autism what was going on… build skills on that.

Actual best experience which helped that was my first real job at casinos… man they forced me talk thousands of people, gave me confidence in my speaking…that was great experience..

I have very serious hatred one what IEP was suppose to be and what it actual did, it was a label of hell for me.

This really isnt all about me, my 19 year old self..would be so happy, I would be a trumper..

The girl that went to college, who learned history, who was in diversity heard about schools systems broken, some school in towns not as much money they stuggle with learning bc they were not taught same equal as other born in better schools… My heart went out to many thousand of students I met, learned and experience was wonderful being in room many people of all cultures and wanting them be treated right was easy, my mom taught me this but also because they treated me right, me being autistic I was bullied in HS but not college, in room with many people of different races treated me like me, I felt this warmness, I respected people so much bc I was given respect…

I did not get respect in HS, I understand why students laugh at me, i was weird, I will never ever understand why teachers bullied me… They placed god and hurt me… the pain is deepest… I sometimes think if I wanted be really evil I should work for that HS and just fucking be a nightmare for any teacher who cause pain on any student who different..

I am liberal and left, democrat… my adult life my education, I realize IEP help other students unlike me, maybe certain high schools which do things right way, IEP help the kid believe in themselves like my college did…maybe others have benefited, maybe very serious disabilities, maybe blind of deaf students, wheelchairs..this isn’t just about me this is about others

also civil rights thing bothers me, I am white… this bothers me because I am very strong ally aganist racism. I hate idiot racist people… not teaching or teaching racism going lead to problems… i dont think this is good, this is what hitler did he radically change edication system to be corrupt in very beginning he made very direct moves to control society and be brain washed…this is very very bad… I don’t want the rights of other people of race or trans or lbgtq or anything to be taken away…it makes me sick to my stomach idea someone would be judged or hated for something makes them beautiful.. I am bisexual I am sure trump not going have problem with fact I wanted to be serious with a man and sleep with girls on the side. haha

I am concern deeply for trans community I have met so many wonderful people in the years… It just make me sick, how we are progressive, yet have to go backward..

This backward Christianity, you know jesus would not have problem with any of this, he was jew that walked away from being in the norm, why do these people think he would hate anyone? seriously brainwashed cult like crap backwood bullshit.. I fucking hate hate ideology of this stupid shit.

While it very very hard for me say this…while I hate board of education and part of me would like see them lose for my past trauma, I know for everyone else these programs benefit, it scares me, this is not about just me. I am white… lot this shit isn’t going affect me, I just deeply give shit, I care soooo much about the faces and people I met in my life. I cared when I saw my mom crying at the table, when trump was president first time she said seprating families taking mexican families seprating them… she knows families she worried they are legal, the paperwork had issues, she was crying, she said I am not letting them hurt those families.. such concern and fear for these people, she is very progressive, she grew up very ignorant parents, boarded on racist, she just was never ever.. It not about all of us, it about the whole. One great thing I will say about George Bush, he brought the country together on 9/11 and he put this youtube during covid we should come together during this time. while trump was feeding racist bullshit not showing empathic behavior during George floyd.. he was handing covid issue horribly and greated riots.. while even george bush would have done better job

The worst human in the world… WHY WHY..do I date him, he is not treating people like humans… even ceo of a company can’t say black people jobs, this fucking idiot says what ever he wants to say…he thinks he above the rules, sexity remarks have greated more dickhead I dated that think they can talk to me, stalk or yell at me, who fuck do you think your talking too.. this behavior has somehow moved from him to all men, now its acceptable to be this stupid.

Dan said to me… I dont see why it personal woman rights being take away, and women being talked to your body my choice, as woman who has been stalked , harrased, SA and raped, abused…it fucking personal when a man says your body my choice, a guy says he doesn’t understand why that would bother me, I look at the guy like he fucking stupid mother fucker…who fuck am I dating, this guy is sick motherfucker..how can he not see that is bad…

my ex bf mark is Puerto Rican, I dont need explain to him this, I dont, he get it… he himself had loser president doesn’t even know PR part of USA and said horrible shit as if it a joke, it no joke.. Seem to be nero typical fucking white men stupid motherfucker when they said they dont understand woman rights…seriously you dont understand why this would bother me.

I HOPE to god…that white nerotypical men become minority… I just want everything flip on them, so that we continue to make them feel small… Dave and Sal were also slightly stupid to this issue. I really dont think Mark was, he seem think I should be passive which pissed me off, but I heardhim say this shit fucked up

Mark and I are currenty friends.. long story..He was there for me during my recent surgery… just friends. I like Dan… I was only dating Dan. Before I dated Dan I did sleep with Mark, I knew it was going be awhile vbefore I could have sex again.

Ugh… I got screamed at by this trumper guy on bumble, he targeted me, screamed at me as if that fair

I hate trump, I listen to some shit tonight from trumpers, finally listeningto videos I could actual listen hear what trump was saying, tried be reasonable. I really just observed…

lot of them in cult…brainwashed, they have nothing feedback say that normal, it just sick

some say I am cult because I dont like him… no I am just awake… from the start of my friend who muslim crying in bathroom he insulted, he insulted disabled person, he just continue to behave like hitler… No one know this before hitler was monster we know him as, look at history, prior to him being leader he was, he seprated media, said bad and good, divided people liked or not liked hitler..same shit…same scary crap…all leading up to what is was…

there is people in my life think this is going to get very very very bad… military.. ext..