Upgrading to phone calls… I think.

Another day has came and went. It’s a struggle to focus quite often. To not obsess over stupid, little things. I seriously question how I functioned before being given Adderall. Did I ever get any work done? Without it, I’m often in left field seeing a squirrel and counting butterflies. It’s ridiculous. Needless to say, I can feel when it’s wearing off and I need another one. Right on track generally.

It amazes me I have the position I do. I’m a hot mess people. How do I get to manage other people? I’m told I don’t give myself enough credit. I get rave reviews and performance evals. I guess I fake it well. I am good at what I do. Just think though – how good I’d be if I wasn’t a hot mess half the time. I need to make a to do list or something tomorrow. This week is absolutely getting away from me. Short weeks and random holidays really mess everything up quite honestly.

My normal overthinking mind going on tonight. The usual – does he like me, what is this, etc. These thoughts are intrusive and stupid. The thoughts stop when I’m on my meds. When they wear off though, boy do they come back full force. Like now. At 10:30 p.m. Welcome back negative thoughts and fears. I almost got the chance to miss you.

I’m just telling myself I’m stupid. Something happened tonight – He called me. Like a real phone call at 5 p.m. sharp. Which is when I’d be off but it was my second job day so I was working again already. Why’d he call? Just to talk I guess. I only had a few minutes and then had to work. Told him I’d call him back when I was off if he’d still be up. Of course. I did call him back but he didn’t answer and texted he was unloading and Wood call back…. So now I wait I guess. I’d texted earlier in the day that I was honestly struggling with his new job and inability to text and communicate and how I knew it was stupid of me and I’d go back to talking to myself. So maybe calling was his way of reassuring me we could still communicate, make up for the lack of texting, maybe because this is more than I realized it is or am simply to scared to admit it is.

I was impressed he called. Maybe more impressed he called right when I should have been free. Like maybe he really does like me? I find so many guys don’t talk on the phone or want phone calls. Just texts. So it always means a lot when I get a real phone call. Then I get worried and think I’m overthinking him liking me, so then I overthink that maybe he doesn’t like me & was just bored. See, I said I’m ridiculous. Now my latest fear is I was super excited to talk to him and now he won’t call when he’s done unloading. Why would I think that? I have no real reason. Because it’s late? Because other people haven’t called me back when they said they would? Because maybe he didn’t want to talk to me that bad. I need to go to sleep but instead I’m sitting here – wondering if he’s going to call. Wondering if he’s going to be coming over on days off. Wondering if he likes me as much as I’m liking him.

Sigh. I’m like a child. I guess that’s the truth though. It’s the scared, abandoned child part of me that always comes out these days.

On a crazy note – Everyone I don’t care about is alive, well and communicating when I don’t need communication. Seriously. Where do I start with that? Is there some weird alignment of the planets.

Jeff who I call my stalker is doing great at being my stalker. He’s on days off. Making food. Doing errands. How do I know all this? Because he texted me of course. So much for the never talking to you again shit. So much for me blocking him too – I hate blocking people. Hate it. Because I like to see the messages to know the frame of mind they’re in. Just another trauma response. He asked if I’d have issues or anxiety if he came over and ate while I was working. Truth – Yeah. But I’m not admitting weakness or anxiety to anyone. Especially him. So, I simply said no, I’d be fine. That anyone is welcomed to eat. Can he sit in my section? Ummm, sure? Anyone can sit anywhere. Okay, he’ll probably come tomorrow night then. He’d like to see me. Okay, cool. I’m happy to be friends. No acknowledgment of the friends part. Whatever. This guy isn’t going away. The tip will be worth it but fuck. I don’t know what to think. I laugh about it. But yeah, having a stalker is kind of creepy too as he’s legit probably crossing the line. I just tell myself it’s my own fault for letting him talk to me and just to try to be nice. That’s the part of me that doesn’t want to exclude anyone, to hurt anyone’s feelings.

The next contestant – Oh, just my ex husband. Yeah, remember him and all the awful things he put me through. Ever since I gave him the lamp he’d wanted a couple weeks ago. That opened the door to talk about the kids more, the dogs, random shit that I’m fine with. Sometimes we really do need to be civil. Today takes the prize though. He texts and asks what’s up and if I’m okay. Ummm, yeah, I’m great? After a few texts back/forth he tells me – You’re still hot, just saying. I simply texted back – “Do you remember all the times you screamed at me about how far and ugly I was? Now you say I’m hot?” Yeah, sorry about that, I’m still working on things with me and not being like that.

Like really. You put me through hell for 14+ years and now you want to tell me I’m hot. Fuck. Off. In the end he had no real reason to text and I ended that adventure quickly.

I did look “hot” today tho. My cute work outfit. Creepily, pigtails make more tips. Add some cute leggings, a Trump Christmas shirt, a little make up and I’m every truckers delight. Yay me. It was slow tho so I didn’t get as rich as I’d of liked. Of course. Only one table that made me question my life choices. Some people are just creeps.

We will see what tomorrow brings. I probably should do cute hair, some make up and something cute again as I like tips and can use the money. For real. I also will be lucky enough to work with Cody. Cody who still doesn’t text me back even when I just want to be his friend. So fucking strange. I’ve mainly quit trying but I still don’t understand.

Thats enough for tonight. Guess I’ll lay here and see if he calls or if I fall asleep. He did text he’s still unloading. So at least he didn’t forget about me. Or purposely ignore me. Will he still call? I have no idea.