13 – 14 hour shift today

I went to work early today because my middle school was a center for voting polls. I didn’t vote…but if I had to vote it would be for trump…anybody that likes beyonce that much is weird. Oh maybe I’m just a slight hater…but not really cuz I don’t even like her music, what she did to my old roommate, and how her creepy her father is. But that’s just me. At least with trump he limited the amount of cartels that come through and we got stimulus checks…but he’s a womanizer and if his own wife doesn’t like him then why would I .

I just heard Anna or her brother upstairs cough. I’m still at work. I worked a 12 hour shift. I ate lean cuisine Mac & cheese and some broccoli and chicken. It didn’t feel fattening…earlier I had half a bag of Cheeto puffs, with a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread and carrot sticks and half a Starbucks drink…oh an a few bites of a muffin…overall I think I think pretty good today. I don’t feel as bloated as I used to. And I feel like my stomach is getting flatter.

last night I only got 4 or 5 hours of sleep…but I stayed in bed and got stuck in the TikTok hamster wheel…so bad of me. I won’t do that anymore. Tonight I’m going to do a quick wash off, put on my creams, brush my teeth and put my retainer in. I’m also going to put castor oil on my hairline because I’m noticing it’s noticeable thinner.

its Rosa’s fault. I’m upset with my hairdresser that I had for years. She’s getting so lazy. She burned my scalp, tear through my hair and she doesn’t do a good job anymore. From now on I only see her for any chemical treatment. This time I’m going to tell her low heat and intertwine it with the cool setting, use a detangler and section my hair, use a smaller amount of hair to blowdry at a time instead of big chunks and leave chemicals on my hair for no longer than 2 minutes. If she can’t do it this way, then I have to find someone else. I want to feel like my hair is getting pampered but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m just a number and hurry up and get it done type feeling. I really need to find someone else. I like her a lot but I don’t like what she’s doing to my hair.

Anyways, I reached out to JurnyV.

we are having “issues with the files”…I may need him to forward my work to another studio. Or maybe I can start working with Kalani on this…idk. I just got to pray about it.

patrice made a face at me multiple times…she’s a crackhead weirdo at this point. I can’t even get made. Sometimes I want to laugh but I don’t want to feed her any emotions. The coworkers still talk to her and laugh with her. I don’t mind…it makes it easier for me not to owe them anything later on. I also don’t care because I can’t fake laugh or follow the crowd.

I used to fake laugh with Clark because deep down she likes control and wants to be in charge…but with that comes a lot of responsibility. I don’t know how much she makes but she’s always in meetings(thank God), a kid periodically spits on her and pulls her hair, and she enjoys being a bully. I can’t imagine the things she has said behind my back…but I don’t mind. All of these are distractions…UGH- I need to find a way to block them out like I do my brother and sister.

my sister reached out to me: r u ok? Yes I am…are you doing ok? …yes, ok love you bye…love you(I answered back in a text)….the same conversation as always but through an ig message. It stung less because when I hear her voice it used to care how abruptly she would end the conversation and it was under her terms…now I feel better knowing she can’t treat me any old way anymore.

and my brother…non existent. Just a distant family member….

It’s an hour later. The dad of Anabel arrived home and I drove back home and did my nightly routine before bed. In my way home, I heard my dad’s voice that asked me or really stated: those women must bother you because you would bring them up. And then I heard a voice say: don’t bring these women up anymore. Concentrate on your dreams.

but I have to pray because I have questions…

Dear Jesus,

I get the feeling how I must consider how: it could be worse. I could have my power go out or no air conditioner. In fact I had a terrible nightmare over this…it’s all a distraction to let the devil in my thoughts and flood them with things that try to zap my energy.

i have an audition tomorrow. I feel too short…but I could be wrong…but I’m not happy. There are so many things I feel bad about. I know I must work like everybody else. I’m just exhausted with work and not being able to have time for myself.

please let breakthrough come soon. Goodnight