A job ?

I used to work in a grocery store as a student. It was a really small shop in a hospital, only 3 employees and a few rotating students. I loved it as a student job because the team knew me well and they were really nice to me. I have quite a problem with managing my anxiety and they noticed it right away – my hands shaking at the register and my constant being on the verge of tears must have been a dead giveaway. They nicknamed me Panic, but it was all in good fun. I know they always paid great attention to being nice to me even when they had a remark or an advice to give me. They trusted me because they know I always do my best, but even after a year of working there I still felt anxious before going in. A few months ago, I graduated uni so I couldn’t continue working as a student. They assured me I could come back anytime and they would try to get me an employee contract.

Graduating is something I’ve been scared of for a while now. I loved to learn about psychology, but I don’t know if I can handle the job. I’m so scared all the time, and being a therapist is a lot of responsability. I had two internships in the last two years, but I still feel like I’m not experienced enough to handle patients, plus employers look for experienced, determined people and I don’t give a great first impression. I wondered about changing major but giving up after 5 years of uni without having a solid back-up plan was unthinkable… So I stayed there until the end. I had a therapist a year ago talk about my life post graduation as “the void” because I had no plan, no hope, absolutely no idea of what to do (she meant well but it stuck with me). Well let me tell you that was the right choice of word, and it didn’t feel good to fall into that void. Who am I if I’m not a student anymore ?

So, not wanting to lose momentum, I have been looking for a job as a therapist. Then as a secretary. Then as a librerian. Literally anything because I’m so lost and I don’t know who I want to be. I began to be less and less motivated, and now I can hardly open LinkledIn without crying. I keep sending applications but get no answers and at the same time I don’t want them to answer because I’m so scared of having to start from 0 again.

This morning, my manager from my old student job called. The bosses wanted to know if I was interested in a new contract as an employee, and I said that I’ll be available from January. I know that this is good news, it should be. I like the team, I need money, I have time to pass my driver’s test and to get a car and it should be a part-time job at least for the first 3 months, so I could still send applications and have some time to figure out what’s next. But it doesn’t feel like good news, it feels like I’ll be stuck there, like I’ll end up like my parents, like I dedicated 5 years of my life to university for nothing. I’m scared that once I get comfortable I’ll stop looking for something better. I’m scared that I won’t be able to see my boyfriend as much (we already only see eachother one day a week), that I won’t be as good as they think I am once I have more responsabilities, that if I find another job with better advantages I’ll disapoint them.

I’m just so tired of being scared of everything all the time. I feel like a failure, like everyone can keep up with life and I’m just dramatic or weak but I’ve tried so much and I can never be enough.

Here’s hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

PS: I should mention that English is not my first language so please forgive any mistakes.