Monday

Write to write

Happy heavenly birthday to my Mom. Miss you, Just wish the last few years of your time here wasn’t like it was. I hope you saw how much we all loved you through the cloud.

And with that said, you know where my head is at.

I’m being sensible and suffering at home. I don’t have the resources to do any different as much as the little voices are screaming at me to do. I want to be anywhere but this apartment right now, even back at work free would be better.

Just messaged with Jonathan. Guess the ex will be there tomorrow to spend the day, a luxury I have never had. More on her later, I’m spiralling.

I have nothing to eat in this house and even less ambition to go get something. Ive all but lost self reliance and I’m just fumbling at living. Am I the only person who came out worse for wear after a break down? What the hell was the last few months for? I’m becoming everything I feared I would.

I want so much to unfuck myself, but I can’t trust myself to do it? There are going to be days like this, wasted days. There has to be, to reach where I need to be. So why do they hurt so?

Have I cried wolf too much that I can’t even convince someone to have a conversation with me? All my go tos are busy or can see through my endless neediness, and are not answering.

The Patty rant. I can’t seem to get her out of my head recently for whatever reason. I know I lost. She’s gone. There’s no Hallmark new beginnings or what ifs she is harbouring. I just can’t believe I will be alone the rest of my life.

I’m a guy. It’s different for us. When you know it’s done, it’s pretty much done. I’m not stupid. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore and I essentially nailed the coffin shut with my little breakdown this year.