Day Zero

I’m not sure what I’m trying to get out of posting this in public.  I guess I feel kinda dumb writing thoughts down to no one.  So, dear diary I guess.  Tomorrow will be the first day without smoking weed in a long time.  And honestly, it’s only because I’m getting surgery.  I’m getting surgery to repair something that my. Gulp. 23 Years of smoking on and off has done to me which is completely torn up my eardrum and affected my hearing.  I know, Right? Isn’t that brutal.  Like, who does that happen to?  But it’s true, and it’s serious! Honestly, despite the potential benefits this surgery can have, I’m mostly focused on how it’s a new chance.  I’ve lost myself with the weed, I really have!  It’s possible that I’ve been lost since the beginning, but I’m not ready to entertain that yet, right now, I’m just gonna say since Marriage and Kids and Covid, I’ve lost myself and I’ve needed an escape from the pain. From the pain and the business, anxiety and the brutal monotany of it all.

So heres the plan.  I’m getting the surgery tomorrow, it’s called a Tympanoplasty and then I’m gonna lay here in my bed for a much needed Mom-caytion.  I’m gonna write to you strangers out there about my problems, my cravings, why I’m such a freaking psycho about things like weed and drinking and self medicating, and I”m going to hope that through this ‘therapy’ I can figure out why I am how I am, and how I can live in a quieter mind.  I know this may mean being sober, which is something I”m willing to explore.  I do lots of yoga, so, I’m planning to talk about that on here as well, and use it as a way to get through the pain of recover, physically and mentally.  But remember, I’m a mom, so, I only have a week.  A week to detox, a week to sulk, a week to reflect and breathe and rest. And figure out how I’m going to make it without a crutch.  Then I gotta be strong and get back to fully functioning without.  I am going to try and talk positively about this change, so that I don’t return to the day-to-day all pissed off and mad at the world.  So here is my thought for tonight, pre-being cut through the ear-canal.

You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again.  You may be functioning fine and well, but your health is suffering because of your decisions.  You are never your best when you need something or someone else to make you that way.