A Mental Breakdown

I hate how I feel today. I’m in such a funk and so goddamn depressed. The fucking world is on my shoulders and all I want to do is disappear off the face of this earth. I’m sure no one would give a shit because I’m nothing special. The world would continue spinning and the seconds would keep ticking. Another human too weak and consume and contain their own fucked up mental health. I’m screaming inside and have been trying so hard to hold back the tears. How did I end up here? How did I end up so miserable in my own fucking thoughts? Why do I feel like a burden inside my head? Why does it seem like it takes every muscle in my body to smile a half ass smile for half a second. What did I do to deserve such shitty ass mental health? What the hell is it? Why do I hate being at work? Why am I so depressed being away from home and Lee Ann? I don’t do anything productive at home but sleep constantly and make Lee Ann feel lonesome. I mean fuck, I can’t even complete one goddamn painting and feel good about it. There’s nothing that I do that I feel good about. I’m a nobody. I’m just existing on this goddamn earth to take up space and breathe in useless air. I mean my own fucking mom doesn’t even want anything to do with me. I have no true friends. I have acquaintances and co-workers. I have Lee Ann. She’s all I truly need but I know I don’t make her happy most of the time. I’m too caught up in my own head. I’m fucking miserable. I hate feeling like I’m going to break down any second now and just bawl. Maybe that’s what I need is a fucking mental breakdown. Maybe I need to check myself into a hospital, but I can’t leave Lee Ann by herself. I’m so fucking over it. I’m shutting this down for the night. I know everything is eventually going to work out and depression will be a thing of the past. I hope to live a life someday where life is so good and on point that I don’t have to have meds. Oh well, maybe someday. Here’s to keeping my fingers crossed.

-Peace-