Halloween, Upcoming Tattoo, Relationships

My work had a Halloween Costume party today – yes, I work remote 🤣 So I just wore my Owl Pajamas. Worked for me.

Halloween has been a long day. Didn’t feel like working. Didn’t feel like passing out candy. Had a couple friends and their kids over to pass out candy. One is my friend with a newborn. Her baby’s first Halloween. Then I suddenly realized, I should have a beautiful baby girl right now and it should be her first Halloween too. That stings. A lot. Maybe that’s why the whole day has just sucked. I was really excited for this while I was pregnant. Last year for Halloween I did nothing and was still in a fog of fresh grief. This was the first year I had to actually feel the feelings and the loss. Pretty shitty. I’d of sold my soul for my daughter to be here today. Dressed up and perfect.

So in my sadness, I bought my own treat. A brand new tattoo. She was doing double value certificates so I got one $800 for the price of $400. Scheduled for 11/12. I’m going to continue sleeping up my right arm/shoulder/neck. It’s going to be fucking amazing. It’ll meet the other tattoo I already have and run from my neck to the top of this. I cannot wait. I need the pain. Today I’m so sad feeling I want to feel it. Badly. My current tattoo is below.

Tom had originally talked about coming over tonight as he was working halfway between us and it was his last day. He sent me a screenshot of his daughter’s text and cancelled. Miss G was having a party while dad was gone. He didn’t trust her to be there alone at that point. I don’t blame him but it sucks. I’m impressed with his parenting and that he did put the kids first. But still a little hurt that I’m left here alone. I hate being alone.

I’m sure he could tell I was annoyed somewhat or just let down as he eventually texted – 3 more years and she’ll be 18. I know. I get it. But it makes me start thinking – is this going to work? Can I do long distance with a guy that can’t escape his kids for a night generally as they’ll do stupid shit once they learn he’ll be gone? Am I up for that? Will I always be the one having to go there as that’s the only way to juggle the relationship and keep track of the kids? Am I okay signing up for this? Don’t get me wrong, I like his kids and especially G. I just also like not being alone.

See the theme – I don’t like being alone. This will be 3 years of alone as I’m not moving and he can’t move until the kids are done with school. 3. Years. Maybe that’s what I need. I need the time to get used to being alone. To get used to seeing someone only once or twice every couple of weeks. Instead of instantly moving in and playing house which obviously hasn’t worked.

With that, I’m not going to write him off. However, I really need to proceed with caution. I just keep knowing I’m going to get hurt here. I’ve been hurt enough. For sure.

On a random note, a friend of mine was talking to his coworker and specifically said “My coworker Tom is dating your friend Heather…”… Dating? Really? I’m still calling it a whatevership. Is dating the same as having a boyfriend? Or is that like a step before having a boyfriend? I was impressed he’d talked about me or even referred to me as a girl he’s dating as I have no idea. It’s too early to speak of that. So I just call it the whatevership. We aren’t a situation or a relationship. We’re… well I’m…. Confused.

With that, he must like me a little. I’m going to give it time before writing it off because I don’t feel we will see each other enough or because I feel his kids will be too much. Things take time, I need patience, to try the whole “just” dating thing.

I figure 6 months is fair. I don’t need to rush into anything and can just work on me. We’ll see how up to 6 months of dating this man I really genuinely like goes. If it goes great I’ll continue. If it doesn’t, I’ll quit and can say I tried slower and it didn’t work either. That takes us to 5/1/25 we will say. However, I’d like some progress in 3 months. 2/1/25. Maybe up the relationship status. Have a clear schedule of seeing each other. Something.

I do like him. I’m just not sure it’s the right time I guess.