Unanswered

Another hard day, another silent night. You don’t realize how lonely your life is until you become some sort of toxic fuck like I am and you need to hear from others to give your life some sort of meaning.

I want my children to release me from the self inflicted guilt I carry about them having a so so life that was somehow ruined by their Mother leaving their Father for another man and forcing him in their lives.

Or my Sister not being the stand up Woman in my life when it all went down

Or my friends just leaving me standing there sobbing in the rain when I needed them.

How do you learn to love yourself when it seems like the world won’t let you? How do you become comfortable when you have and will miss so many good memories? When you’re replaced with someone else in the important ones? The first driving session? The first gun shooting? The first real family vacation and camping trip? Heartaches, headaches, paper cuts. Homework, tests, school dances. Holidays. All gone…

Tonight a bad night. A crisis call line night, if that did anything thing to help which never has me.

Where’s my person? Why does my person always become someone else’s person?

I wasn’t a guy wrenching toxic fuck to Patty. I didn’t bombard her with negativity. What did I ask for? Hugs. Closeness. A warm body in a cold bed.

Why did I make her my world?

At this moment I am doubled up in a chair where I can’t sit upright because of a back spasm. All I want is to hear from someone, anyone and I know it won’t happen. This is my world now and has been for 5 plus years because of a conversation about how she kissed a coworker and fell out of love with me. Not abuse, not narcissism, not lies, or money. Nothing reasonable. A kiss.

I lost friends, family, possessions, you name it because a kiss. 20 year relationship, my family’s home, a normal fatherhood to my children. I’m the bad guy, the one who’s the dead beat, because of a work fling.

All I want is one person to answer a text or return a call.