2am shower thoughts

You know life is punching me in the dick when my bitch ass is in the shower so I can think at 2am.

Rob and I had it out all weekend.

now- backstory.

ugh. I’m tired of thinking about it

anyway…. Been sweating this guy for years. Finally worked up the nerve to talk to him, and we make plans. We have this AMAZING first date where I am immediately convinced we are going to get married. That id just gone on my very last first date. It was a dream. It was better than I could have imagined and I was head over heels in love by the end of the night.

I found out months later he had a girlfriend of 2+ years. He would spend a night with me, then go to her place and spend the night with her. He would tell me he was home with his kids or out running errands when he was with her. He was also talking to someone else…. And taking HER out on dates. Also found out he is still married and LIVES WITH HIS WIFE.

But…. I still keep trying to power through it because the connection felt so real.

but it’s weird. He still lies to me. He lies about little things…. All the time. About his lawyer/wife/divorce… about personal things, past experiences, etc. I catch him lying periodically about some simple nonsense, and it’s like…. It either comes so naturally to him that he doesn’t notice it, or he believes his own lies. Like genuinely, truly believes his own lies.

And I’m still powering through it. I’m sitting here like what’s wrong with me? Why does he feel like I deserve this? What did I do wrong that he continues to lie to me? Why does he hide things from me? But then get gets upset when I don’t just blindly believe anything he says.

I feel so lost and so stupid right now. I feel broken and hopeless and alone. And yet there is this huge overwhelming urge to satisfy him. Not like that. In fact I’m getting entirely put off by “that”. But it feels like…. I want to do things for him. Make him dinner. Let him put his feet up. Listen to his day. Make sure my fridge is stocked with his sodas. Make sure I have snacks for him here.

That even feels like it’s breaking me. The fact that he has so much of me and that the only things I want back from him is fucking honesty and openness… he doesn’t tell me jack shit. He sneaks off to have private conversations when his bitch ass wife feels she needs to text him. Then deletes them. (He’ll learn real quick when it gets to court that that’s a mistake. IF it ever gets to court.)

It also feels grimy that I’m dating a married man. He’s not “with” her but he lives with her, provides for her, and is at her beck and call. He says it’s for his kids but…. Nah. It’s whatever she says she needs, he gives her. He basically lives with me, but is providing for her. He says he can’t afford to pay his lawyer but he can afford to buy new wheels for his jeep.

So anyway…. This weekend I asked him about a comment from some weird bitch that was flirting with him that he brushed off. Like it wasn’t a thing. He dismissed my concerns and that was that. Some time later I brought it up and he didn’t answer me. He frequently tunes me out if he’s texting or playing a game or something.
he says he didn’t hear me.

But I asked him on Saturday about it again and his fucking head exploded. Turned out to be an all weekend event. He immediately blocked me…. Just like my super toxic and psycho ex used to do… he would throw a fit, refuse to listen to me, then block me.

well Rob did all of that…. Again…. But also threw breaking up with me in the mix. He broke up with me, yelled, called me whatever, hung up on me, blocked my number….

idk man, it fucking gutted me.

I feel so broken. After a lot of back and forth shit I had him stay over last night.

That was because Saturday night he went out after work, and couldn’t go home because he didn’t want to disturb his wife or whatever, so he slept in his jeep. Instead of coming inside to sleep which I kept telling him to do and he kept saying no…. He slept an hour and in his jeep outside of my goddamn apartment, which he has a fucking key for. But I guess he needed to teach me a lesson so he slept out there. Then last night he went to come over but I was too drunk and tired from being out all day for my cousins birthday. (Somehow we made brunch go from 10am to 5pm but it was such a nice time)

So we both passed out.

Today he’s talking about us taking our kids somewhere and im like “let’s talk later first. We should talk about whether or not we want this to continue”. He says yes, we definitely should. So I’m thinking “good- he’s receptive to a talk”…. And then made the mistake of saying “good because right now I’m feeling like I don’t, because of how hard this weekend hit me” and he immediately goes to “let me know when you’re home and I’ll pick up my things”….. WHY IS HE SO EAGER TO LEAVE?????????? Why is that his go-to every time we take a wrong turn??? Why is it the end every time I make a mistake or say something wrong or have a feeling or a thought or an opinion that inconveniences him???? Why does he leave???? Why does he tell me he loves me one minute but runs for the hills the next???

I have him come over and we decide we’re going to talk. Welllllll at this point I’m hurt, angry, disgusted, embarrassed, tired…. And so I laid into him about everything that’s upsetting me, which is basically all of this. He starts packing up his things AGAIN.

He tells me he loves me and isn’t going anywhere one minute, and then THIS the next minute. Then he gets upset when I feel insecure about the relationship. For the shit in the beginning with the other girls, with the always leaving and blocking….. Any time I do something ge doesn’t like, I get accused of starting a fight. I can’t talk to him about anything. Until it gets to a point I can’t keep it in…. But he doesn’t always take it well. The rest of it…. He doesn’t listen. He doesn’t want to hear me. He doesn’t want to know things. He doesnt want to know how I’m feeling.

He tells me…. If there’s ever an issue, TELL ME, I WANT TO ADDRESS IT IMMEDIATELY.  But when I do, he short circuits. TELLS ME TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT MY INSECURITIES, DONT LET THEM SWIRL AROUND IN MY BRAIN, TALK ABOUT THEM SO WE CAN HANDLE IT…. But apparently only in certain tones at specific times on certain days…..then even that may backfire too….

idk man I’m just tired of feeling hurt, I’m tired of feeling drained, tired of not having control of my life, my days, my thoughts, my feelings…. I miss the days before I fell all madly in love but didn’t feel pressure to give my time and energy. I could stay up until 3 in my living room and fall asleep on the couch after cooking myself some random ass noodles or something while watching murder shows…. He gets offended when I sleep on the couch or something. But guess what. I’m sleeping on the couch after my shower. Partially because I don’t wanna disrupt him but mostly because it’ll be the only way I can shut my brain off tonight, is if I’m alone. I need to sleep.

Anyway, enough rambling. I’m making him sound awful. These are just the awful things that I hate about him. But otherwise he’s sweet, he’s thoughtful, he’s adorable and a little dopey sometimes. He’s REALLY hot in an accidental kind of way. Like he doesn’t try to be, he just naturally looks sexy af. He’s smart, he’s sarcastic and funny at times…. I genuinely enjoy his company most of the time. I feel really comfortable just existing in my weird skin around him. I feel comfortable enough to be weird around him.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who the fuck I am right now to be honest. I don’t want to feel this lost with this person. I don’t want to feel so alone or guilty or tired or sad or anxious or insecure with this person. I want to just feel that love with him. The rest is too heavy. But… idk. I really don’t think this will work if this continues.