Letting Go

ugh I’m really mad today. It’s a whole bunch of feelings rolling around in here.

Well, first of all about two days ago I felt him ask me to let him go. And I said immediately: “okay.”

Just like I have in the past. Twice before I have let him go immediately upon knowing his wish.  As if my love is hysteria and his request is worthy of respect of even the madwoman. I will beat against him only when he allows me to. 

He described us as two hands on one body or two fingers on one hand. Of course, one hand can let the other go, but they are still attached to the same body.. So, even when I let him go I don’t. And so… here we are.

I feel as if I woke up today and realized I was a twin who couldn’t recognize her twin because she had mistaken him for her lover. A lover who rejected her, and therefore she could never see past it. My body was rejected by him, but my heart and love never were.  In the last years I couldn’t open my heart, hardly at all, because I couldn’t get over the heartbreak. I couldn’t get over the physical rejection. All the while he was there to love me, platonically. If I had only opened my eyes in time to see him for the twin he was. He was my brother, not my lover. Maybe we could have found a way through our own supressions with the help of the other.

II think about my last words with him. I think about the fire circle where I shared a spontaneous science fiction fan story, during the full solar eclipse. Instead of really sharing who I am. The truth is, I’ve failed so many times in telling the true story. So many story circles where I went absurd instead of true. I just couldn’t face the true words, the true sentiment.

I want to try. So, yes, I will let you go, my twin, but we are still part of the same body. Therefore… here we are, you and I .