When Communication Breaks Down

I don’t know why it seems that I’m having to apologize to you on a seemingly weekly basis.  I have previously admitted to my faults and misgivings many times in the past and I have no problem doing so when I know that I messed up and probably behaved in a way that I shouldn’t have.  I am far from perfect and I’ve admitted that to you many, many times before.  I’m doing the best I can.  This time around though, I’m not so sure that I am completely at fault here.

As I write all of this, I do so without any forethought, plan, or organization, so there’s a strong chance that this entry is going to be all over the place and it may not make sense on the surface.  I don’t want any of this to come off as being needlessly dramatic, but if there’s anything that I want to convey, it is that I am confused, hurt, and, if you’ll pardon the irony of the expression, at a loss for words.

I didn’t even want to write any of this down, but all of this had been weighing on me since yesterday and I had to get all of this off my chest.

I know that you have been stressed out by this situation ever since the beginning of September.  As much as you may not believe me or understand this (because you never saw it on my face), I have been taking on all the stress and emotion that came with that situation alongside you.  I knew what should have happened, just as you did, but things didn’t work out that way and you/we were left to deal with everything as it all happened to play out.  I know that you were on the front lines, so to speak, as you were left to deal with the situation directly and firsthand.  I was merely playing a “behind the scenes” role, trying to be as supportive to you as I possibly could, and I know that you relied on me heavily to be there for you.  I could have played a more active role, but I know that were certain circumstances that prevented me from taking on a more hands-on role, and so I was left to do what I could.

Yesterday was when everything came to a boil and I know that emotions and tensions were high.  As much as I tried to be there for you, I felt that you ignored me and pushed me to the side.  To some degree, I put aside whatever I was doing so that I could be there for you and continue to be that source of support that you swore you needed from me.  While I was able to maintain some measure of productivity on my end, I always had it in my head that I needed to be there for you and as far as I’m seeing it, I was.  The problem is that you weren’t there.  You communicated with me very poorly, which to some degree, I understand, but I have a hard time believing that you were too busy to keep me in the loop as to what was going on.  As your supposed primary support, I am hard-pressed to think that it would have taken such a huge toll on you to just keep me updated every so often.  Because you effectively ignored me and/or forgot I was there, of course, I’m going to be left thinking all kinds of weird things.

What’s going on now?

 Does she still need me?

 Can I go take care of some of my stuff?

 Should I really be doing 85 on the freeway like this?

So, yes, I am definitely of the mindset that even with everything that you were going through, you communicated with me very poorly.  I shouldn’t have been left in the state of darkness that you left me in.

Once everything really came to a pass yesterday afternoon, I had absolutely no idea as to what was going on with you.  The darkness had really set it, to where I didn’t know which direction was up or where the exit was.  Now, I know that you told me that you were in the midst of that new situation and that you couldn’t talk to me (or as you put in some way, texting me was NOT A PRIORITY at that exact time), but as I had no information to go on, how do you think I’m supposed to react and respond.  Yes, I know that I failed to ask you how you were doing, but without knowing what had happened to you and amidst my own frustration, I didn’t know what to say or do.  I was afraid of saying anything, out of fear of making things worse.

So now what?

Yes, that’s all I could muster at the time.  I kept it intentionally vague.  I was waiting for you to update me, to tell me what happened, and to ultimately let me know what I/we needed to do.  For whatever the reason, no such explanation ever came.  My frustration and confusion set in further, drying slowly and hardening like concrete does.  Still, I stood by, waiting for anything from you.  I waited and waited.  Nothing came.

Without sifting through the myriad of text messages we sent to each other, what resonates the most in my mind is the idea that you think that in the end, I had to make your whole situation about me.  As you put it:

The fact that you’re making this about yourself is crazy. 

This bothers me, because I know and have known that YOUR situation was never about me.  I had no reason to “make it” about me.  For this entire week, I made it about YOU, checking in with you, making sure you were holding up mentally, lifting your spirits emotionally, saying “nice things” to you, and even adhering to your odd, but understandable (for us) request for me not to get mad at you because you were going to be stressed by this situation.  I did everything I thought I needed to do this week.  It wasn’t until communication broke down that unfortunately, so did we.

I’m sorry that things happened the way they did, but I was there for you.  When I didn’t know what was going on, my role became confused and to some degree, diminished.

I hate when emotions run high between us.  I wanted to be there for you and I was.  I know that I probably could have done a lot more, but without you filling me in as to what was going on, I didn’t know what to do.  I was left sitting there, wondering what was happening.

I know that I sent you two sleepy text messages last night, which read:

I’m done then.

 I’m done csring.

Yes, I’ll admit that I should never send text messages when I’m clearly half-asleep and not in my right mind.  I know that I said that I’m done [caring].  In retrospect, I didn’t mean that.  Obviously, I still care if I was compelled to write all of this.

I still care for and about you deeply.  Even as I write this, I don’t know how you’re feeling.  I can only assume that you’re getting by and dealing with the aftermath of the week.

I can only do so much, but when I’m not in the proverbial loop, what else am I to do?  You need to communicate with me because as we’ve clearly seen before, this is when you and I run into problems.

All this hurts me, just in ways that you don’t see.  As is always the case with us, I just want to get past all this and move forward.