So much

Dear God,

there’s so much going on. I’m watching a dog for Miss Shirley at Ms. Smith house. It’s not so bad. I like it so far…except for the smell and my allergies. I pray that I sleep well with the dog in my room and that it will not wake up in the middle of the night.

ms. Smith decided to do something different with me…she decided to sleep on her husbands side of the bed. I hope she will live as long as her mom.. 98…that’s at least 7 years and 1 month. Mr. Harry asked if I could sing for her birthday, and I happily accepted. Of course there would be no pay for it, but for me it’s an honor to even be invited and asked to sing. I definitely love Ms. Smith. When I smoked, I saw everything as a hassle…now, I’m able to enjoy the house more…especially with my new friend 2-2…that’s his name.

He has a blonde coat, fed well, bulgy brown eyes, and the cutest underbite. He definitely gives me joy. I pray that watching this dog won’t be challenging in any way.

I’m in bed now….just contemplating everything. Anabel hugged me, the kids love me so much, and I enjoy my job now. Although today was very difficult to get through. It all started with me getting to work late. Then, having to deal with Miss Patrice annoying voice all day.

its a weird feeling to dislike somebody from my own hometown. Our hometown is such a rarity that it seems like we should stick together. Instead, she has it out for Kinza. I pray for Kinza…I don’t want Patrice hurting her. Kinza is a funny girl…she is drawn to me more than any other child. It started with my ponytail that she was infatuated with but now she always wants to sit by me, walk with me, everything…and she’s such a beautiful girl to do such unheard of things(eating dirt, picks nose, etc)

I see her mom picking her up each day and she seems embarrassed and hurt. The mom always puts her in the same three sweatshirts and the same three leggings with the same ponytail… She is naturally beautiful but her beauty is not taken care off…her teeth aren’t brushed well, her skin is always dry as if she’s never been introduced to lotion. I pray for her skin because it’s so dry that it cracks and it bleeds. I pray for her medication…that it will help her. And most of all, I pray for her protection because absolutely not one of my coworkers have the patience for her…I’m the only one who understands her. Her OCD is not a defiance…you can see it in her eyes that she gets upset that she’s not understood.

Anabel is beginning to really know who I am. She stares at me all the time and smiles. I felt bad for her because she is not taken care of the best. Once again, no lotion, no teeth are being brushed, and she barely has her hair combed. But I know her parents are doing the best they can. So I don’t judge…I’m just observant.

i just checked on Ms. smith..she’s been in bed mostly. Ms. Smith does what she wants. If she wants to stay in bed all day then that’s what she will do…she don’t let nobody tell her what to do…

today I reached out to jurny….on the day his grandmother died. So, I decided to drop all the anger I had and just pray about everything longer.

Like my next music video, they all seem kind of shady….all of them. I don’t feel comfortable with them and I’m thinking I need to do this project solo. It requires a lot of extras and a vision.

the song is about a crush on a deejay. I would love if the actual deejay that I had a crush on would be in it..but it would be more bomb if I could find her doppelgänger. But I’ll pray about it more.

I just had a “friend” ask me my age…I said 30-40range…I get so aggravated by my age. I wish I wasn’t this old. Nothing I can do about it though. I wish I could turn back time to when I first graduated high school. The whole trajectory of my life would be different.

i just want to complain. It’s said that the only thing happy in my life is that I’m in bed right now. I can’t seem to find happiness at the moment. I don’t like my life. I love the kids and all but the job is shit, it pays shit, I have to deal with too much shit….i just wish i had more money and freedom.

I feel my depression coming on. I pray for peace. Amen.