No joking matters herre.

Usually by this time of the year I have recovered from my “end of the year blues”. I don’t know what’s different this year; the depression hasn’t eased up with the changing of the seasons and the promises of warmer weather. In fact, truth be told I feel worse. Back in February I went on a trip to Toronto, Canada hoping that getting a way and having some me, myself & I time would bring me back refreshed. It didn’t. I really felt dread as I came back. My heart got a little heavier with the passing of each sign that announced the miles to Detroit.

(PAUSE) I took a pause because I am trying to find the words to express something that I don’t even understand myself. I feel like a plumber trying to explain the proper procedures for doing brain surgery.

I am so tired…tired of faking like everything is all good when it’s not…as a Christian it’s extra hard to keep up the “double life”. When I go to church people say “how are you?’ You know they are expecting some holy answer like, “I’m blessed” or something else. But what I really want to say is “I’m looking for a quick way to die…got any suggestions?” or “Suicidal how about you” but I know that would just make matters worse. People always say that they don’t like big churches because they don’t know anyone. Well my church is the biggest in the state (about 23,000 people) and swear almost everyone knows me…they may not know me by my name but they know of me. I have been there since 1981 when it wasn’t that many people. Right now there are 297 friends on my myspace list at least half of them are members at my church. The main reason I still got to church these days is because of my children. They love going to church & it doesn’t seem fair to take some thing that they love away because I want to hide. Plus I wouldn’t know what to with myself if I wasn’t in church on a Sunday morning or a Wednesday evening.

Everyone says ‘this too shall pass’…but when? How much longer can I feel like an alien in my own skin? Everyday I find myself thinking more and more about ending my life. At a young age I remember the words “Emotionally Disturbed” being said to my mother by a counselor. Later on I’ve heard the terms “Clinical Depression”, “Manic Depression” and “Bipolar Depression”. It all sucks no matter what the title. I have tried everything. I have tried the antidepressant drug route, psychologists, psychiatrists, secular counseling, Christian counseling, peer counseling, inpatient therapy, outpatient therapy, prayer, fasting and prayer with fasting. What’s it gonna take? How long can someone be sick & tired of being sick & tired?? I not got say there have been no good times but after the good times the bad times come. And they seem like they are growing more & more frequent and lasting longer & longer. I’m 36 years old. One of my first vivid memories is of me crying at about 5 or 6 years of age and my teacher asking me what’s the matter and I told her I didn’t know. In the year book of the school I was attending in kindergarten there is a picture of my teacher holding me while trying to tell a story to the class during circle time. I have seen a quite a few pictures of me when I was little and I am crying in a good number of them.

I know a lot of my issues have to do with my biological father. He made sure he knew me in every sense of the word. I don’t remember how old I was he started molesting me. I do remember it seems like it has always been a part of my weekend visits. I don’t know if he had the type of relationship with my half sister or not. But she knows about me. She walked in on him. I know she told her mother and after that I didn’t see her as much. I have since cut my ties with my father. I have tried to maintain a relationship with my half sister but it’s hard because she still has a relationship with him.