Distractionless

Distractions. That’s what I look for to fill my days so I don’t have to feel, think, obsess. One distraction after the next.

I currently have no real distractions I want to engage in or with. Cody’s mom continues to die. Thus, Cody continues to stay by her side when he’s off work for the most part. Minus bingo. Which means he isn’t by my side and my latest distraction has vanished.

My heart hurts for him. I know he’s struggling. To be estranged from someone for 10 years due to their shitty parenting only to reunite while they’re on their deathbed. Too sick to even really communicate with you. It’s shitty. I feel like he feels even more obligated to be there as he blames himself for the ten years lost, plus the lost childhood years that she bailed. I’d like to hug him and tell him it’s not his fault. I can’t though because I haven’t saw him since Saturday.

He was sure she wouldn’t make it through the weekend. Yet, she holds on. She hasn’t been on hospice long. My grandpa was given 3 hours to 3 days – he lived 3 weeks. Who knows how long this will continue.

I then overthink. Will he even want to hang out once she’s gone and he doesn’t have to keep traveling to see her? Is this just his excuse to escape me? Maybe he doesn’t like me that much? Maybe he’s already tired of me? I wouldn’t blame him. I’m a lot.

Then I move onto – WTF am I already obsessed and sad over someone I’ve spent a week hanging out with as more than friends? Why are my feelings so hurt after just a few nice dates? Why do I care if a guy doesn’t like me after a week? It was a fucking week Heather. A week. Why do I go from 0 – 100 in seconds flat – ready to plan a future and live happily ever after with someone when I barely know them? How idiotic.

It’s because he’s my distraction though. He was keeping me away from, well, me. Giving me something to look forward to as I struggle to look forward to anything that involves me being alone. I didn’t just need a distraction last week though. I still need one today and today he’s gone and I’ve got zero other distractions lined up. Actually, I like him enough I don’t really want something else to distract me. I’ve liked him for years. It was just never the right time.

Dumb, dumb girl for believing now was the right time. I know him. I know his history. I’m not sure anytime will be the right time. Not really. We’re one setback from failure. Maybe we’ve already hit the failure. Will we hang out again? I have no idea because I can’t read him. Well, in my overthinking, negative head he’s done with me. Yet, in his texts he apologizes and says he had to go see his mom after work again and might stay the night there. He doesn’t clearly say he’s over me, but he doesn’t clearly say he’s still into me. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, here I am. Alone with my head. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Forcing me to live with just me. Forcing me to acknowledge all the fucked up thoughts in my head. I really don’t like them. I hate them. I hate the sadness and anger that creeps in. The feelings of abandonment and rejection. The feelings that I’m not good enough and just push everyone away. That’s just the tip of the ice berg. There’s so much more. Mostly all negative.

I’m going to sit with them though. Until I’m healed or they kill me. Whichever happens first.

Hopefully, he’ll return to being my distraction sooner than later. I liked him. Or at least the concept of him.

Now I think I’ll just go eat mushrooms and hope to find some happiness inside this fucked I’m head of mine.