Beach Flat House

Dear Father,

I took another cold bath again. My forehead skin looks a little dry..I don’t know if it’s from the cold water or anxiety from only having cold water. The complex wrote me back and this is what they had to say:

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. I completely understand your frustration and I’m truly sorry for the inconveniences you’ve experienced. I want to acknowledge your long-term residency here and assure you that we value your time with us.

 

Regarding your work orders, I previously communicated to you on October 9, 2024 at 8:39 AM that we are addressing a high volume of requests due to the transition in management. As mentioned in that email, the previous ownership removed all equipment and parts, leaving us to start from scratch. With over 800 pending work orders, we have been prioritizing emergencies and working through them in the order they were received. I understand this has been a difficult situation, and I appreciate your patience during this time.

 

In terms of moving forward with the process of vacating, please be reminded that your lease agreement requires a 90-day written notice prior to moving out, and you will be responsible for rent payments through those 90 days. I would love for you to reconsider your decision, as we are actively working to resolve the outstanding maintenance issues and improve our service.

Excuse my French Father..but they are evil assholes…Can you please do something about this God? It’s hard enough seeing nicer places I can’t afford to be in but if I have to stay here, can you somehow MAKE them fix my cold running water situation?…

my dad said he was going to call some reporters..but I somehow doubt that’s going to change things…but I don’t want to have doubt…I want to believe.

to be honest, I don’t mind staying in the hood. I like the stray cats, the Spanish neighbors and how thin the walls are so I never feel alone. I don’t mind it at all…I just want hot water…so I can light a candle and soak in the tub with my new limited addition vanilla epson salt that I got from Walmart.

Father, I just want more..plain and simple. I guess I gotta work harder. I had an audition yesterday then the day before and a few days before that…feels like I had at least 4 auditions that I taped recently. When am I going to hear back from someone? I thought for sure I’d get a callback for the PSA or any of the commercials I auditioned for. I really don’t understand it. Maybe it’s because I’m too short. I don’t know. Maybe I look weird…maybe this maybe that…only you know.

I’ve been working real hard on my temple. I quit smoking, I take my vitamins, and I always get at least 6-8hours of sleep. I work out even three times a week now…which is unheard of! I’m also trying to watch what I eat. I do eat unhealthy from time to time…but very rarely now. I just want to show you how bad I want this.

i still didn’t read the scriptures that Pastor told me to read…I still hate reading the Bible. Rods turning to snakes, parting of seas, fish multiplying for thousands of people- sound so hard to believe…and I think that’s where my problem lies…I just simply don’t believe enough.

when you witness so many children suffering from trafficking and hunger and bombing in Gaza…you think a miracle would happen for them…but that’s probably blasphemy talking like this…and I don’t mean to disrespect you in any way…I’m just speaking my mind.

sometimes I wish I could do things my way. I’d be a prostitute that slips something in every man’s drink while he takes a piss then steal their wallet. I’d get an only fans and wear A mask and stick dildos in my vagina for money. Or I’d marry an old man for his money and be a 40 year old sugar baby…but I don’t do it because none of those things would make me truly happy. Instead, I work with children…and try to set a good example. I’m not trying to be funny but you and I both know that I could make a lot of money just off my looks alone…but I don’t-Because I fear You.

I wish You could turn my life around in a way where I could have a lot of money. I would buy a vacation first to see the world. Then I’d search for my beach flat and buy my three horses. Then I’d actually still go after my career…despite having all the money I need because I actually love acting and singing. I’d pay for all the marketing and promotion in the world so all the world will hear my music. And I’d concoct a plan so perfect where all the agencies would want to sign me and I’d have my pick. But instead, this is the life I live.

im a 40 year old celibate woman living in a one bedroom apartment in a complex that’s mostly section 8, working three jobs, barely making 3k a month. Thats my reality…oh and I’m in a fake relationship with a man just so he won’t stop being my best friend and desert me. I honestly love Shervy so much…I just don’t ever want to kiss or do anything sexual. And my trauma, Lord…has made me that way.

lord they say you know our story…I wish a lot of things never happened in my life. If someone ever asks me if I ever have any regrets, it would have to be porn prostitution drugs parties people and wasted time…I have too many regrets…it all started with needing money…why didn’t my parents send me anything during college? God didn’t you see me stealing in grocery stores? Why didn’t my parents realize I needed money when I was in JAIL for SHOPLIFTING?? Why didn’t anyone help me when I was still a child? And why did I move home thinking they would help me…they just let me suffer more…they shunned me for smoking weed…why didn’t they realize I was self medicating and was crying for HELP?

now I’m an adult and it’s allll on me now. I am supposed to live a righteous life but look where I am now…why doesn’t Jay Roewe help? Why did that manager take my $1800 and drop me? Why did Kalani stop working with me for over 7 months and don’t give a damn?

we all have choices…I know I can’t dwell on things. If I want to change my circumstance, then I must strategize. I know I need to market myself more, buy promotion, and take acting & voice lessons…but that costs a lot…which is why I’m saving and working 3 jobs.

and I promise you I don’t want to complain…I just have to remember that there are people who are blind or have no arms and have it worse than me. I am blessed …everytime I look in the mirror, I see my cute face and banging body and perfect teeth and I remember I am blessed. But I just wish I had an easier life.

I remember I used to be so jealous of certain celebs but little did I know they had to sacrifice their bodies and cry a lot probably because of what people did to them. And honestly, when I bought all the things I needed from Walmart, I thought how blessed it felt to walk through the aisles and discover new products and take my time and browse through the aisles … you can’t get that type of peace…even if you bought it…you still can’t get that type of anonymity. I better enjoy it while it lasts…IF IT EVER HAPPENS…

call me crazy <CRAZZZZY> but I still have hope for myself. I still believe I’m going to get a callback one of these days. I still believe someone is going to discover my music. I still believe I’m going to be famous….not that I want fame but I do want a brand deal. A high end one like Chanel or Dolce & Gabanna. I still believe Miss Rosa is going to travel with me as my hairdresser, and I’ll host a yearly Thanksgiving cruise with loved ones, and that I’ll have the best representation and that I’ll win and Oscar and Grammy and be protected because you want me to be patient as you set it all up for me….

 After all, since I quit smoking:

1. I got my car fixed for free

2. I got a NEW job working for anabel

3. I got a photo session with Ruben

4. my body and hair have improved so much

5. I sleep well

6. I have such a better attitude & people gravitate to me because of it

7. and I have this amazingly keen sense of who is not for me and who is…(like I’m starting to see how two co workers are a little jelly of me…but their problem…not mines)

8. and I’m forming deeper & more meaningful relationships with people

9. Oh and I even wrote a new song today!! I’m getting blessed with new ideas…

10. Now if only #10 could be that I booked a new project such as a film or a high paying commercial

I spoke to an old friend who smoked heavily like me. He said I’m “just on a break” and not really quitting. He said: “it’s ok to not smoke for a season…it’s not bad”….

then he revealed that he’s only on a break too from smoking because he got in trouble with the cops for it but the case was thrown out. He said the whole cop situation had made him stop for a little while…

it’s friends like these that I must distance myself from. I see so clearly that he’s addicted like me..and he’s not ready to quit.

my thing is: I want to quit but I love smoking. I pray you can break this curse of addiction over my life Father. I pray that You will send friends that are equally yoked. I pray that you will give me “an exit solution” when intrusive thoughts tell me to smoke. I pray that you protect me from all evil. I pray that you reveal the reason why you want me to stay here. I pray that my life becomes a testimony. I pray that I learn every lesson you are wanting to teach me. I pray for the confidence to carry out your will. Most of all, I pray for my faith. Touch my mind, my heart & my life in such a miraculous way…

thank you for speaking to me through Miss Debra. She reminded me that Jesus was a loner and that he wasn’t even around his family when he was younger. That Jesus went on a path of his own to seek God…father God Jesus Holy Sprit guardian angels…help me understand and let me not be consumed by my human mind. Let me have peace in knowing that I don’t have to understand it all…

let me be still and stand firm in knowing that you designed all and have a reason for it all. Guide my footsteps. Talk to me in my dreams. Help me. Protect me. Care for me because I do feel confused and like I’m suffering…I want a life where I am a phenomenal actress and singer…maybe you are still molding me. Just tell me where to go or what to do…and I’ll follow. I just need to know that you are working in life.

may God bless all the people reading let them pray for themselves too…let them talk to you and you said with two are more are gathered that you hear us…I’m right here…I’m praying for a GOOD LIFE FULL OF GOOD TIMES(more joy than sorrow please). Amen