Lowering The Head

In my last entry, I spoke about how Cristina and I have never gotten into an argument with each other. We are likely going to have a conversation about it this week. As much as we talk and have spoken in the past, Cristina and I have never had this kind of conversation before and the thought of it intrigues me a little.

Now, on the opposite end of that spectrum, we have Serena and me. We argue all the time. Whereas Cristina and I never argue, it seems that Serena and I can’t help but run into these arguments at full speed with our heads down, not giving a damn about how we hit each other. We are resilient in that we always get up and shake things off, but as far as I’m concerned, I need to stop creating situations where I’m getting upset. I need to stop doing that. I really do.

I want to say that we can’t help but argue the way we do, but I think that saying something like that almost trivializes the experience and I don’t want to do that. We can help it. We shouldn’t argue and fight as often as we do. I take much of that responsibility because I know that a lot of these arguments are my doing. Serena is usually caught in the crossfire of my feelings and all the goings on in my head and I know that these arguments bother her because for every minute we spend arguing, that’s a minute that we lose where we could be nice to each other and getting along as we ought to.

On Friday, Serena and I got into another one of our arguments, where she does something. I take it the wrong way and I get mad at her. She can tell that I’m mad. I deny it. She continues to “dig in”, as I put it. I do whatever I can to push her away. A full-blown argument ensues and just like that, we’re miserable.

Days after this happened, I don’t remember why I got mad at her. What I do remember is that we ended the week on a terrible note, which I hate and I know that she hates this too because we usually don’t talk again until Monday, if not Tuesday. Serena prefers to end our days on a positive note, or at the very least, not with us mad at each other. I feel the safe way.

Serena is a genuinely wonderful person. She’s sweet, loving, and very caring. She cares about me, just as much as I care about her. I should not act this way around her or with her, but it seems that time and time again, I do. I’ve told her that I need to do a better job with controlling my emotions. It’s a struggle. I’m glad that she understands this and she is always trying to check in with me, not only to make sure that I’m okay, but also to ensure that she is not the cause of my discomfort.

Truth be told, she is not the cause of my discomfort. My issue is that I read into things and I often misinterpret them. Rather than come to her directly, I hide. After I hide, I proceed to lash out and that’s when problems start to occur. Serena does not deserve that, none of it.

I know. I need to get better.

If I could tell her right now, I would tell her that I’m sorry for the way I acted on Friday. I would apologize profusely and hope that again, she accepts my apology and that we can move forward.

I had jokingly told her after one of our previous arguments that the beauty of our arguments is that they allow us to learn about the other. I then followed up that nugget of brilliance with…

“But you know what, Serena? We can learn things about each other without having to get into such intense and heated arguments”.

I firmly believe that.

Serena is truly someone special in my life. I need to do a better job of showing her just how much she means to me.

I need to get better. I have to get better. I can get better.

Serena, I am so sorry. Please forgive me…again.